~ S U P P L I C A T I O N S ~

"O Allah:
All the Praises are for You:
You are the Lord of the Heavens and the Earth.
You are the Light of the Heavens and the Earth.
You are the Maintainer of the Heaven and the Earth and whatever is in them.

O Allah!
Forgive me my sins that I did in the past or will do in the future,
The sins I did in secret or in public.
Accept my repentance, wash away my sin,
Let there be a far away distance between me and my sins
As You have set far away the East and the West from each other."

"O Allah,
I seek refuge in Thee from the evil of what I hear, from the evil of what I see,
I seek refuge in Thee from the evil of what I speak, from the evil of what I think,
I seek refuge in Thee from hypocrisy, and evil character

"O Allah,
I seek refuge in Thee from objectionable characteristics, deeds and passions
I seek refuge in Thee from Knowledge which does not profit,
I seek refuge in Thee from a heart which is not submissive,
I seek refuge in Thee from a soul which has an insatiable appetite,
I seek refuge in Thee from a supplication which is not heard."

"O Allah
Make true my tongue
Draw out malice in my breast
Guide me to the path of peace; bring me from darkness to light,
Save me from obscenities, outward or inward,

"O Allah,
Grant me enough of what Thou makest lawful
So that I may dispense with what Thou makest unlawful,
And make me able by Thy grace to dispense with all but Thee."

"O Allah,
Set right for me my religion which is the safeguard of my affairs.
Set right for me the affairs of my world wherein is my living.
Set right for me my Hereafter on which depends my after-life.
And make the life for me a source of abundance for every good
Make my death a source of comfort for me protecting me against every evil."

"O Allah,
Make my character beautiful
Place light in my heart, light in my sight, light in my hearing,
Place light on my right hand, light on my left hand,
Place Light above me, light below me, light in front of me, light behind me,
And enhance light for me."

"O Allah,
Provide me with Thy love
The love of those whose love will benefit me with thee.
Join our hearts with Thy Love
Gather us with them that Thou Love

"O Allah,
Make the things I love with which Thou hast provided me a strength
to me regarding what Thou lovest.

Make the things I love which Thou hast turned away
from me a means of my devoting myself to what Thou lovest."

O Allah!
For You have all knowledge,
Support me with Your Power
I ask for Your Bounty,
For You are able to do things while I am not,
For You know while I do not;
For You are the Knower of the Unseen.
Bestow me the matter that good for me
If the matter both at present and in the future
If the matter good in my religion, in this life and in the Hereafter,
Fulfill it for me and make it easy for me,

If You know that the matter is not good for
Then divert me from it and choose for me what is good wherever it may be, a
And make me be pleased with it."

O Allah,
Bring us a blessing in this world
Bring us a blessing in the next life
Guard us from punishment of Hell.
Make me grateful to Thee, mindful of Thee,
Full of fear towards Thee, devoted to Thy obedience,
Humble before Thee, or penitent.

'O Allah,
I submit my soul to You,
I surrender myself to You,
I turn my face to You.
I entrust my affairs to You.
I believe in You
I depend upon You
I retreat unto You for protection with hope and fear in You.
There is no resort and no savior but You

O, Allah
Your Word is the Truth,
Your Promise is the Truth,
The Meeting with You is the Truth,
Paradise is the Truth,
The Hell Fire is the Truth,
The Hour is the Truth.
You are my only God (Whom I worship)
and there is no other God for me (i.e. I worship none but You)."

O, Allah
You are my only God (Whom I worship)
and there is no other God for me (i.e. I worship none but You)."
Please answer my supplications
Ameen

Rytha
Bandung, 9 October 2005

~Proud to be Mother~

Mom
you are a moon dancing inside my heart
Dad You area sun warming my heart
Dad MomI love you both Like I love jannah (paradise)
May Allah kiss mom dad In His beauty paradise Later
(Faiz January 2002)

My beloved mom MomYou always by my side

You always inside my heart You smiles are the moon

Your dedication like the sun which always give the light

And your love is the air Which I breath everyday

Even if you’re in sad Even you’re in difficulty

You steps firmly To make me be a great man
Thanks you my beloved mom
(Faiz November 2002)

Mom only wrote few poems for me

but more I observe her

her smiles are poems her sights are poems her advice are poems

her caress and her prays are love poems

which are conveyed for me continuously continuously

even when I sleep
(Faiz May 2003)

Mom you the one who lead meto the butterfly way.
(Faiz September 2003)

Those poems is my bad translation from a beautiful mind of Abdurrahman Faiz. It touch me so much when the first time read his poems. I found his poems accidentally when I was browsing. They are not that special if those poems were written by an adult or a famous poet. But it does really capture my heart because that’s written by a very young boy. Faiz was born in Jakarta 15 November 1995.

Anyone who read his poems could feel how much he loves his mother, really a pure love, a sincere love, not a fake love, not just merely an arrangement of beautiful words, because it come from the core of heart an innocent young boy. I guess he could reflect his loves to his mom because he feel love from her, because he proud of her.

It’s a dream of every mother to have such devote son. We cannot find any formal education institution [even the highest degree education] to teach someone how to make the children love their mom. Love also cannot be forced by an order, because love is a unique bond of heart that grows through the process. I believe children love their mom because they feel a sincere affections, caring, protection, comforts, warm, tenderness, etc from a mother through intense interactions.

In history, we know Imam Abu Hanifah RA. He was known as a scholar that devoted to his mom. He used to walk for miles to escort his mom lead by his hand his mom’s donkey just to satisfy her wish to pray behind another scholar that she thought better than Abu Hanifah. Sometimes He also had to company her to meet some scholars to ask thins when his mom didn’t satisfy with his answers [even if those scholars themselves didn’t feel more capable than Abu Hanifa]. I believe Imam Abu Hanifah felt a great care and affection of a mom. That love which grew a love and devotion to his mother sincerely.

Somehow, we feel secure if anytime we could see our mother around. The first person that we want to meet when we arrived in home from school, sometimes we haven’t put our bag or changed our clothes, but we just search where is she. When we find her, we just happy to see her smiles, we always enthusiasm to know what she cooked for that day and always enjoy her companion during the lunch to tell about our school, our friends etc. She also the first person we want to share if we sad, the first person that we want to share if we are in trouble. She is someone who always supports us when we are down, someone who will cry for us when we are sick. If there is someone who always prays whole of time for our goodness unconditionally, that is a mom. If there is someone who would sacrifice anything for us, that is our mom.

We know many great people, and their mom contributed a lot for their success, just the history didnt record their names.

We know Imam Malik bin Anas RA very well, but we almost do not know anything about his mother. In fact, his mother took a big path for his success.

One night Imam Malik’s father asked few questions about religions to all family members. All people can answer him very well except imam Malik. At that time, he was just 10 year old, although he already memorized the holly Qur’an and some hadist, he just like other kids who spent a lot of time to play – and still had difficult time to understand complex things. His father got furious and said Imam Malik spent his time too much for play with his bird that made him forget to study. He cried, he rarely cried, but that matter made him sad. The first person he searched was his mother. He had a great mother. He came to her for protection, and asked advice for all his matters.

Start from that day his mom always wake up every morning, bathed him, prepared nice clothes, applied some perfume and put “sorban” on his head then companied him to a halaqoh [religious gathering]. His mom always supported him and accompanied him anytime. That habit made Imam Malik known as a prominent scholar who always had good smell and wore nice dress anytime he attended the halaqoh or taught in halaqoh

We know Imam Syafi’i, but we do not know very well who his mother. Imam Syafi’i was from a poor family and his dad often left him to work far away, and just in very young, his dad passed away. His mom had to be a single parent for 2-year-old boy. She was very faithful woman [memorize Quran, hadist and knowledgeable in many syar’i matters] and Imam syafi’i always follow her advice and always search her advise. She sent him to study in some scholars. She invested anything to his educations, to provide things for his journeys in search of knowledge.

Be a good mother is not profession but rather a responsibility for every muslimah. But a choice just have title as “a housewife” indeed really a generous choice [because not all woman can do that – see Japan, France, etc…. They have less young people...perhaps in the crisis of young generation].

If we considered “be a mother” as a professional career, this is a career that needs to be paid very expensively. A government should provide a big salary for any women who devote their life for this. Because be a mother is really a unique profession, 24 hours works, demand the totality of physically and emotionally. They have to have a solid concept and the best method how to product the best generations. They have to have multi talents, smart, well educated, beside they also have to able behave multi characters, sometimes they need be parent, friend, sister, counselor, accountant, doctor, good chef, etc.

The quality of their works would be significant for the glorious of a nation. If they product the best generations, then they will lead the best nation. They have to sincere if people will never know them; even many people would consider they are nothing. They just feel inner satisfaction when they see the result of their hard work, a robbani generation with good behaviors, pious, wise, intelligent, and tough.

Anyway….it’s better our children think we are their world – the most loveable person, think that we the most precious person, but the world doesn’t know who we are, rather than all the world know us, all the world love us… but in front of our children.. They don’t know “who we are”.

Bandung 5 September 2004

Rytha

For my mom and all my sisters in Islam who choose be mother,…..feel proud of it…

And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command), "Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal. [Luqman HQ 31:14]

HR BUKHARI Volume 8, Book 73, Number 2:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
A man came to Allah's Apostle and said,
"O Allah's Apostle! Who is more entitled to be treated with the best companionship by me?"
The Prophet said, "Your mother."
The man said. "Who is next?" T
he Prophet said, "Your mother."
The man further said, "Who is next?"
The Prophet said, "Your mother."
The man asked for the fourth time, "Who is next?"
The Prophet said, "Your father. "

Volume 4, Book 52, Number 41:
Narrated Abdullah bin Masud:
I asked Allah's Apostle, "O Allah's Apostle! What is the best deed?"
He replied, "To offer the prayers at their early stated fixed times."
I asked, "What is next in goodness?"
He replied, "To be good and dutiful to your parents."
I further asked, what is next in goodness?"
He replied, "To participate in Jihad in Allah's Cause."
I did not ask Allah's Apostle anymore and if I had asked him more, he would have told me more.

HR BUKHARI Volume 8, Book 73, Number 6:
Narrated Al-Mughira:
The Prophet said, "Allah has forbidden you
(1) to be undutiful to your mothers
(2) to withhold (what you should give) or
(3) demand (what you do not deserve), and
(4) to bury your daughters alive.
And Allah has disliked that
(A)you talk too much about others
(B)ask too many questions (in religion), or
(C)waste your property."

~Lets Allah will be his greatest “fan”~

Picture shot by Sr. Dina Bliss

Rasulullah sallahu alaihi wassallam was the busiest man, the prophet, a husband [of some wives], a leader, a teacher, a soldier, etc etc…He belongs to all creatures, but he the purest, the kindest, the most truthful and honest man, a very pleasant light-hearted man, a perfect model of modesty and humbleness, a loving family man with delightful humor, always passed by the people quietly with a smile, kept promises, never broke his word even with his enemies

Umar Al Faruq Radiyallah anhu carried on his shoulder sack of foods to his people… he chased to running camel himself…. In fact he was a Khalifah that conquered Persian and Rome…

Nowadays people walk around with meaningless life, seem half sleep even when they are busy doing things that they think important; it because they are chasing the wrong things [fame, money, woman/man, status, etc]. Many of them who get trap with their routine fame…People still can see the beauty of appearance…the beard…the hijab… But who knows the dry of their heart….It like the fancy car ….but have no fuel…

People adore him and be fan of him…. People do praise of him…But deep inside he do know well who is he… that dry heart lost its soul…

Indeed all activities for the sake of Allah can be considered to ibadah and will be rewarded greatly. But the hectic schedule can drive someone lost the moment to recharge their soul with ibadah mahdah…the nawafil…

The souls, the heart and the mind still need special time to remedy. They need the time [private time] where they back to their Lord for rest…

It is so tired and exhausted… Live full of responsibilities …… but For the Moslem…. The world is only the battlefield, a place to work hard and to serve to the best…When their actually rest is only when the first step into the of Jannah…

InshaAllah…May all the famous can be a Al – Faruq who have ability to distinguish between haq and batil, to distinguish the genuine from the counterfeit…when deciding their all priority in their life…

InshaAllah with the balance… Allah and the angles, and even the ant its nest and the whales in the sea will pray for the one who teach people the way of good [1]. and Among all the fans who love him…. Allah will be his greatest “fan” … he will not lost the closeness and love of Allah.. Hence He[Allah] will say to the Jibril that He loves him.. and then Jirbril will say to all the creature in the earth and heaven to love
him..[2]

Wallahu alam bishshowab…

Bandung

19 October 2005

[1] HR Tirmidhi : Shahih Ghareb Hasan
[2] [HR Bukhari 4.431] : Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "If Allah loves a person, He calls Gabriel saying, 'Allah loves so and−so; O Gabriel! Love him.' Gabriel would love him and make an announcement amongst the inhabitants of the Heaven. 'Allah loves so−and−so, therefore you should love him also,' and so all the inhabitants of the Heaven would love him, and then he is granted the pleasure of the people on the earth."

~The Love Letter Of The Beloved One~

Pic shot by Sr Dina Bliss

When we love someone.... all that come from him/her are just beautiful and wonderful. We love every single thing comes from our beloved one. We admire everything about him/her. We think she/he is the most and the only perfect person in the world. We do unconditional sacrifice to do our best effort to understand deeply his/her language: his/her words, gestures, countenances, even understand of his/her silent. We try to understand every single word that composed for us, listen heartily every singles things that come from her/his mouth. We want to understand our beloved one with heart, listen him/her with heart. All of them are just in intention to be totally compassion, sympathy, and empathy as the devotion to our beloved one and to grow our love to him/her more.

He/she is being the most important part of our life and even we take care of him/her more than we care ourselves. We would do anything sincerely and unconditionally to please our beloved one. The consequence we would try our best to watch out our behavior to not annoy her/him even just a bit. Ultimately we only think how to please our beloved one and how to make that person happy whole time, just to see his/her smiles face whole times. Live seem just with highest goal to please the beloved one…

Have you ever got love letter? Have you ever written love letters? If not let’s we imagine as if we ever did that, lets we imagine as if we are a true lover.

Now, lets we think Allah is our beloved one and the only one who deserve to be loved whole heartily, He is the destination, the foundation and the source of all the love in this world. And Imagine Holly Quran is His love letters that sent for us through our beloved messenger Rasulullah sallahu alaihi wassalam.

We actually just a lover in a short journey searching our beloved one and we are in lost...we are tying find the way to reach our beloved one (Allah subhana wata'ala). All we know He is waiting us, He always there but He actually very close and always watch us and He said a promise one day He will meet us and He will show His face to His sincere lovers, subhanallah – an ultimate gift for every lover to see one that loved. For that reason He has composed a book (Holly Quran) and it sent with His mercy because He loves us. He sent it as guider to read, understood and followed.

If we think Holly Quran as His love letters and if we sure it come from our beloved one we must yearn hardly to understand every singles words there. Even if we can’t understand the language we could feel the power behind that language, could feel the signal of love that sent while He composed it, just like the heart of lover that always in the sensitive frequency to catch the signal of the beloved through the barrier of language, distance and times. We could feel we are reading something lovely from our beloved one, even just only touch it, the heart has already started beating think we are going to read lovely words from our beloved one. We could feel the beauty, think all wonderful and amazing, our beloved one talking with us through His letters.

We can not pass our days without start by read His love letters, It like kind of addiction and necessity to read His love letter whole times and make it part our life. When we feel down and sad we remember Him and read His love words to peace our heart, when we feel alone and get lost we read his love letter to feel being loved to feel never being abandon and feel always have guider to show the way. When we hardly need best friends to share we go talk with Him in silent night, privately and closely while He could listen and understand the deepest side of our heart without we tell Him. We remember Him in every time, and His love letters always accompany us in every moment of our life, in our sad and happy moment.

We are in journey to be a true lover to find His love; therefore we must try our best to please Him in anything that we do. Ultimately we cant live without follow what He wishes and devote all our life and all we do just to please him…. as He is our beloved one.

People said what we read could influence the way we thought. Can we imagine if we read Holly Quran everyday and try to understand it everyday, so Holly Qur'an will influence the way we thought everyday, subhanallah….

We have to try our best to keep Holly Quran inside our heart, not just part of our book collection that never moved from our bookshelf. How many of use who care to read it everyday…how many of us who has "tafseer" be part of our book collections to understand every single word our beloved one??

Bandung 19th April 2004 ( 6:00 am WIB)
Rytha Nur'aini

~ Divorce or Remain Patience ~

picture shot by Sis Dina Bliss

Dear sister.....

May you are fine…and may Allah bestow you His blessing and His mercy to make you steadfast in patience to face all those trial in your marriage life

I write this emails also to show my dearly sympathy for every sister who are oppressed, for them who are not lucky in their marital life. I do personally hear directly and be witness how this matter can be so complicated. I met how sisters live suffering wish one day her husband let her free…in fact their husband doesn’t want to give divorce not because he loves her but just because to show his superiority, his self pride to his friends, family, to maintain his egoism…

There are many who have in the same roof but no any marriage life, live together like perpetual enemy … but also cant divorce….The sadness when the sister go to imam, many imam who refuse them…nor listen them…. They live in uncertainty not only for one or two years…but for years….even some…..have to bear and grin until the rest of their life. There were some who finally successes to ask divorce but need get recover for years to gain back their strength.

I am composing this email not in intention to encourage sisters asking divorce….but I want every Muslimah know about their right, and know what Islam offer for their happiness…

I don’t know what Rasulullah sallahu alaihiwassalam will say if he lives among us now…and see how many of men treat woman badly…in fact he said :

"Made beloved to me from your world are women and perfume, and the coolness of my eyes is in prayer." [Ahmad and An-Nasa 'i]

How he advice and forbid one companion who rush riding camel when woman with him… How he describe that woman is like a mirror…and have to clean and treat carefully…

Even before He left us… in his last speech he mention about woman :

“O men, to you a right belongs with respect to your women a right with respect to you. It is your right that they do not fraternize with any one whom you do not approve, as well as never to commit adultery. But if they do, then Allah has permitted you to isolate them within their homes and to chastise them without cruelty.

But if they abide by your right, then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness.

Do treat your women well and be kind to them, for they are you partners and committed helpers. Remember that you have taken them as your wives and enjoy their flesh only under Allah's trust and with His permission. Reason well, therefore, O men, and ponder my words which I now convey to you.” [Prophet last Sermon in Farewell Pilgrimage]

Subhanallah….

It’s true Allah that Allah give men a degree over than woman

......And women shall have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what is equitable; but men have a degree (of advantage) over them. And Allah is Exalted in Power, Wise. [Qur'an Al Baqarah 2:228]

But that “special degree”…..not just for free…. When Allah gives superiority upon someone…He always follows that with responsibilities… Man over one degree because he has to carry more BURDEN…. More RESPONSIBILITY over woman…[so it not for show off…not to caste them become oppressor…] but to be like what Allah say :

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. …. [Qur'an An Nisaa 4:34]

…….They are your garments and ye are their garments…… [Qur'an Al Baqaarah 2:187]

Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will; but do some good act for your souls beforehand; and fear Allah….. [Qur'an Al Baqaarah 2:223]

In Islam, both man and woman have rights. Allah says,

“And women have rights similar to those of men in kindness.” [Qur’an Al-Baqarah 2:228]

These rights include rights to be treated fairly and kindly in all circumstances, both in case of marriage and in case of separation.

Just as a man has a right to leave a marriage that is uncomfortable or miserable, a woman has every right to leave a marriage that she finds uncomfortable or unbearable.

When ye divorce women, and they fulfil the term of their ('Iddat), either take them back on equitable terms or set them free on equitable terms; but do not take them back to injure them, (or) to take undue advantage; if any one does that; He wrongs his own soul. Do not treat Allah’s Signs as a jest, but solemnly rehearse Allah’s favours on you, and the fact that He sent down to you the Book and Wisdom, for your instruction.

And fear Allah, and know that Allah is well acquainted with all things. When ye divorce women, and they fulfil the term of their ('Iddat), do not prevent them from marrying their (former) husbands, if they mutually agree on equitable terms.

This instruction is for all amongst you, who believe in Allah and the Last Day. That is (the course Making for) most virtue and purity amongst you and Allah knows, and ye know not. [Qur’an Al Baqaarah 2:231-232]

Islam doesn’t allow us to commit injustice to anyone. Allah has issued firm orders to men that they must deal kindly with women at all times: “And cohabit with them on terms of kindness.” They are also warned against being acting unfairly and unkindly and against holding women as prisoners in a marriage; rather they must, “take them back on equitable terms or set them free on equitable terms; but do not take them back to injure them, (or) to take undue advantage;” [Qur’an 2:231]

So that whenever a husband violates the above principles, wife has a right to take whatever legal steps necessary to ask for dissolution of the marriage.

I think many sisters who ever asked divorce will be very familiar with this hadist

"If any woman asks her husband for a divorce without some strong reason, the fragrance of the Garden will be forbidden to her." [Reported by Ahmad, At-Tirmidhi, Abu Dawud, and Ibn Majah]

"Among lawful things, divorce is most hated by Allah." [Reported by Abu Dawud]

Imam Muslim reported on the authority of Jabir ibn `Abdullah, who stated that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said:

"Iblis (Satan) places his throne upon water, then sends his groups. The closest to him are those who (tempt people to) commit the most grievous of sins (fitnah). One of them would approach him and say: I did such-and-such. Iblis would reply: You have done nothing. Another would approach and say: I did not leave him (a man) until I caused him to leave his wife and for them to be separated. Iblis would bring him close to his throne and would say: How good you are!”

Some of those hadists so popular [especially being so popular to make woman scared to dismiss their right to asking divorce – even if the condition been very bad]…. Astaghfiurllah……

Indeed divorce should consider as the last solution, the final solution when all effort for reconciliation stuck.

A husband must be patient with his wife if he sees something in her that he disapproves and dislikes. He should recognize that he is dealing with a human being with natural imperfections, and he should balance her good qualities with her failings. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:

“Let a believing man not dislike a believing woman. If something in her is displeasing to him, another trait may be pleasing.”

And Allah Almighty says,

"...And consort with them in kindness, for if you dislike them, it may be that you dislike something in which Allah has placed much good." [Qur’an An-Nisa' 4:19]

While on the one hand, Islam requires the husband to be tolerant and patient with what he dislikes in his wife, on the other hand, it commands the wife to try to please her husband as far as her ability and charm allows, and warns her not to let a night pass during which her husband remains angry with her. A hadith states:

"There are three (persons) whose prayer does not rise even a single span above their heads:
a man leading a congregational prayer while the people hate him, a woman passing the night while her husband is angry with her, and two quarreling brothers." [Reported by Ibn Majah and by Ibn Hibban in his Sahih]

If all efforts fail and every course tried proves to be of no avail, in response to the bitter realities of life, when difficulties cannot be resolved except through the separation of the two parties in an honorable fashion, Islam has made the provision of divorce. Islam has permitted divorce reluctantly, neither liking nor commending it.

Divorce, a thing is lawful yet detested by Allah means that it is permissible under unavoidable circumstances, when living together becomes torture, mutual hatred is deep-seated, and it becomes difficult for the two parties to observe the limits of Allah and to fulfill their marital responsibilities. In such a situation separation is better, and Allah Almighty says,

“But if they separate, Allah will provide for each of them out of His abundance...” [Qur’an An-Nisa' 2:130]

Under certain condition woman have right / the same right to ask for divorce……

There are three types of divorces according to the Shari`ah, they are :

The first type is Talaq, the divorce that is initiated by the husband. Only a husband can give talaq to his wife. When a husband divorces his wife, he has to pay her full mahr [dower] if the marriage was consummated or half of the mahr if the marriage was not consummated. He also has to pay the `iddah expenses and if there are children then he has to pay the child care expenses to the wife.

The second type is called Khul`. It is a request for divorce initiated by the wife. In case a wife is not happy to live with her husband, she may ask her husband to divorce her at her request. In this case she is not entitled to the mahr and the husband may ask her to return the mahr that he gave her at the time of marriage. He may ask her some other compensation as well.

The third is the dissolution of marriage done by the Judge [qadi] at an Islamic court. This is called Faskh an-Nikah. The husband or wife or both can approach the court and ask the judge to dissolve their marriage due to some irreconcilable differences or problems. In this case the judge makes the decision and he may grant some compensation to the wife or some relief to the husband according to his judgment."

According Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Abd al-Rahmaan ibn Jibreen, and women can ask divorce in some conditions :

1. If a woman dislikes her husband’s treatment of her – for example, he is over-strict, hot-tempered or easily-provoked, or gets angry a lot, or criticizes her and rebukes her for the slightest mistake or shortcoming, then she has the right of khula’ [female-instigated divorce].

2. If she dislikes his physical appearance because of some deformity or ugliness, or because one of his faculties is missing, she has the right of khula’.

3. If he is lacking in religious commitment – for example, he doesn’t pray, or neglects to pray in jamaa’ah, or does not fast in Ramadaan without a proper excuse, or he goes to parties where haraam things are done, such as fornication, drinking alcohol and listening to singing and musical instruments, etc. – she has the right of khula’.

4. If he deprives of her of her rights of spending on her maintenance, clothing and other essential needs, when he is able to provide these things, then she has the right to ask for khula’.
5. If he does not give her her conjugal rights and thus keep her chaste because he is impotent (i.e. unable to have intercourse), or because he does not like her, or he prefers someone else, or he is unfair in the division of his time [i.e., among co-wives], then she has the right to ask for khula’.

Allah say about khulu’

It is not lawful for you, (Men), to take back any of your gifts (from your wives), except when both parties fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah. If ye (judges) do indeed fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah, there is no blame on either of them if she give something for her freedom. These are the limits ordained by Allah. so do not transgress them if any do transgress the limits ordained by Allah, such persons wrong (Themselves as well as others). [Qur'an Al Baqaarah 2:229]

Lets we see how sahabiyah asked divorce in the time of our prophet still alive among them:

One of sahabiyah Habibah binti Sahl - the wife of Thabit ibn Qays came to the Prophet sallahu alaihi wassalam and said,

"O Messenger of Allah, I do not reproach Thabit ibn Qays in respect of character and religion,
but I do not want to be guilty of showing anger to him.'' (Her meaning was that although Thabit was a good man, she was unable to get along with him and thus might not be able to show him the respect due to a husband.)

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) asked her about what she had received from him.

She replied, "A garden." He asked, "Will you give him back his garden?" "Yes," she said. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) then told Thabit, "Accept the garden and make one declaration of divorce." [Reported by al-Bukhari and an-Nasa'i]

From this case the scholars understood that if a woman cannot stay with her husband, The wife can seek divorce from her husband through khul`, but if he refuses to grant her request then she can seek the dissolution of marriage through the court of law, then the judge should ask him to divorce her by khula’; indeed he should order him to do so. While asking for a legal divorce, ask your lawyer to request your husband to issue an Islamic divorce in writing along with the court divorce; a judge can order him to issue the same. If, however, your husband refuses to issue an Islamic divorce, then you can approach a recognized imam in the community to endorse the court divorce as a valid Islamic divorce.

The qaadi (judge) has the authority to separate husband and wife and thus end the marriage if it is impossible for them to maintain a stable marriage and if the wife is being harmed by her husband’s neglect, whether it be sexual, economic or social. The qaadi should study each case on its own merits and look into the circumstances surrounding each case. The husband’s absence has no effect on the validity of the annulment. [Shaykh Ibraaheem al-Khudayri]

With regard to the way in which it is done, the husband should take his payment or they should agree upon it, then he should say to her “faaraqtuki” (I separate from you) or “khaala’tuki (I let you go), or other such words.

The Shari`ah has not given the right to a woman to divorce her husband, because only the husband has all the financial obligations of the family. The wife can, however, divorce her husband if her husband gave her that right either at the time of marriage or afterwards [i.e through prenuptial marital agreement] .

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO BE NOTED : After divorce he will be responsible to provide her maintenance during her `iddah and if there are any children in the family then he will be responsible for their expenses. Thus to grant her that right equally with the husband while she has no financial obligation is unfair and unjust.

‘Iddah is obligatory upon every woman who leaves her husband, or whose husband leaves her, whether the cause is talaaq (divorce), annulment of the marriage or the death of the husband, except when the divorce occurs before the marriage has been consummated, in which case the woman does not have to observe ‘iddah, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“O you who believe! When you marry believing women, and then divorce them before you have sexual intercourse with them, no ‘Iddah [divorce prescribed period] have you to count in respect of them” [Qur’an al-Ahzaab 33:49]

If the woman who has been divorced by khula’ is pregnant then her ‘iddah lasts until she gives birth, according to scholarly consensus. [Al-Mughni, 11/227]

But if she is not pregnant, the scholars differed concerning her ‘iddah. Most of the scholars said that she should wait for three menstrual cycles, because of the general meaning of the aayah (interpretation of the meaning):

“And divorced women shall wait (as regards their marriage) for three menstrual periods” [al-Baqarah 2:228]

Some scholars said that the ‘iddah for a woman who ends her marriage to her husband by khula’ is three menstrual cycles, as in the case of one who is divorced by talaaq, but this was expertly refuted by Imam Ibn al-Qayyim, who said:

What indicates that khula’ is not the same as talaaq is the fact that in the case of a revocable talaaq after consummation of the marriage, there are specific rulings which are not applicable in the case of khula’.

1. That the husband has more right to take her back.
2. When the husband issues a talaaq, is it counted as one of three, and after the third it is not permissible for the wife to go back to him until she has been married to another man and that marriage has been consummated.
3. ‘Iddah in the case of talaaq is three menstrual cycles.

So the ‘iddah in the case of khula’ is what is indicated by the Sunnah, namely one menstrual cycle.

But the correct view is that it is sufficient for a woman divorced by khula’ to wait for one menstrual cycle, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told the wife of Thaabit ibn Qays, when she divorced him by khula’, to wait out the ‘iddah for one menstrual cycle. This hadeeth refers specifically to khula’ divorce whereas the aayah quoted above speaks of divorce in general. But if she waits out an ‘iddah of three menstrual cycles that will be more complete and will be on the safe side, and will avoid an area of scholarly dispute, as some scholars say that she should wait for three menstrual cycles, based on the aayah quoted. [Fataawa al-Talaaq by Shaykh Ibn Baaz, 1/286]

Finally….after the divorce…. Man can have ex-wife….but cant have ex-children…children will always be children…. so that even if divorce been sentenced… they [men] still responsible to their children [financially]…

InshaAllah Islam provide you some option, you can proceed for divorce or you can remain with that marriage…. Observe a great patience. May women who choose to hold their marriage… some because they do that for children…. They sacrifice their life and happiness for the sake of children. They act as if everything OK for their children… InshaAllah if some of women choose this way…not only in intention for their children happiness…but to observe patience to gain the pleasure of Allah, Allah will reward you and this can be your short card, your ticket to gain jannah [paradise]

And be steadfast in patience; for verily Allah will not suffer the reward of the righteous to perish. [Qur'an Huud 11:115]

O ye who believe ! Persevere in patience and constancy; vie in such perseverance; strengthen each other; and fear Allah; that ye may prosper [Qur'an Aali'-Imraan 3:200]

Allah mentions us about patience so many times in His holly book, this an indication that in all of Moslem affairs, we have to try our best to observe patience, and the trials can befall us from every aspect of life. Indeed it’s very hard journey :

Nay, seek (God’s) help with patient perseverance and pray: it is indeed hard, except to those who bring a lowly spirit [Qur'an Al Baqaarah 2:45]

Let give our dear trust to Allah …

….Allah sufficeth me: there is no God but He: on Him is my trust …. [Qur'an At-Taubah ayat 9:129]

So lose not heart, nor fall into despair: for ye must gain mastery if ye are true in Faith [Qur'an Aali'-Imraan 3:139]

…and never give up hope of Allah’s Soothing mercy: truly no one despairs of God’s soothing Mercy, except those who have no faith [Qur'anYusuf 12: 87]

Allah has purchased our life, and How hard trial that we face we should never lost any hope,

On no soul doth Allah place a burden greater than it can bear. [Qur'an Al Baqaarah 2:286]

God hath purchased of the believers their persons and their goods; for their (in return) is the Garden (of Paradise)…. [Qur'an At-Taubah ayat 9:111]

So that, lets back everything to him…lets everything that fall upon us to make us closer to Him….. by observe patience… a totally trust….. InshaAlalh we will find tranquility…..

It is He Who sent down tranquility into the hearts of the Believers, that they may add faith to their faith;.... [Qur'an Al Fat-h :48:4]

Who say, when afflicted with calamity: "To Allah We belong, and to Him is our return":-
They are those on whom (Descend) blessings from Allah, and Mercy, and they are the ones that receive guidance. [Qur'an Al Baqarah 2:156-157]

May this can give some outline….…inshaAllah for more detail information… sisters you can read some books… or ask some knowledgeable people [scholars]…. I believe there are some knowledge people who read this .....inshaAllah if they find something mistake from what I have written they will correct me… or if anyone know the best answer please to share… inshaAllah…

Wallahualam bishshowab…..
Your sister in Islam
MyIslam Moderator
Rytha N


Afwan..... I missed one thing… about istikharah….

Yes it would be better and recommended we always consul all of our affair to Allah through istikharah… Our lives not belong to us… Humans are limited in knowledge about what best for them…and we have very limit knowledge about unseen things…about what Allah hides from us about the future… Allah alone possesses perfect knowledge.

When faced with important decisions in life, a believer is persuaded to use all of his Allah-given resources, as well as to consult people who are known for their knowledge, piety and sound opinion. After having done so, he can turn to Allah for guidance.

Istikharah means, "seeking the best course of action." In Islam, it is used for approaching Allah through Prayer for guidance in a case when one cannot make up his mind. It should, however, be pointed out, that Istikharah applies strictly to cases that are halal (lawful or permissible), since there cannot be a question of choice concerning matters that are considered haram (unlalwful or impermissible).

It is a Sunnah or a highly recommended act. The specific method of doing it, is as follows:

First, one must offer a Prayer of two rak`ahs with the intention of seeking guidance from Allah. Then he should offer the following supplication:

"Allahumma inni astakhiruka bi`ilmika, wa astaqdiruka bi-qudratika, wa as'aluka min fadlika al-azim, fa'innaka taqdiru wala aqdiru, wa ta`lamu wa la a`lamu, wa anta `allamu-l-ghuyub.

Allahumma, in kunta ta`lamu anna hadhal-amra [here mention your case] khairun li fi dini wa ma`ashi wa `aqibati 'amri (or 'ajili amri wa`ajilihi) faqdurhu li wa yas-sirhu li thumma barik li fihi.

Wa in ta`lamu anna hadhal-amra sharrun li fi deeni wa ma`ashi wa `aqibati 'amri (or `ajili amri wa ajilihi) fasrifhu `anni was-rifni `anhu, waqdur liya al-khaira haithu kana thumma 'ardini bihi.”

[O Allah, I seek Your help in finding out the best course of action (in this matter) by invoking Your knowledge; I ask You to empower me, and I beseech Your favor. You alone have the absolute power, while I have no power. You alone know it all, while I do not. You are the One Who knows the hidden mysteries. O Allah, if You know this thing (I am embarking on) [here mention your case] is good for me in my religion, worldly life, and my ultimate destiny, then facilitate it for me, and then bless me in my action. If, on the other hand, You know this thing is detrimental for me in my religion, worldly life, and ultimate destiny, turn it away from me, and turn me away from it, and decree what is good for me, wherever it may be, and make me content with it.]

After having done so, he should follow the decision that he is strongly inclined to. If he feels no such inclination, then he should choose one of the options; he can rest assured that Allah will guide his steps. It has been reported that the Prophet, peace be upon him, said, "One who asks Allah for guidance in choosing the best course of action will never be a loser."

Imam An-Nawawi (may Allah bless his soul) adds:

“After making Istikharah, a person must do what he or she is wholeheartedly inclined to do and feels good about doing and should not insist on doing what he had desired to do before making the Istikharah. And if his or her feelings change, he or she should leave what he or she had intended to do, for otherwise he or she is not leaving the choice to Allah, and would not be honest in seeking help from Allah's power and knowledge. Sincerity in seeking Allah's choice means that one should completely abandon what one desired oneself.”

Dr. Muzammil Siddiqi, former head of the Islamic Society of North America (ISNA) and member of the Fiqh Council of North America, states:

After offering Istikharah, you may do whatever is best in your understanding or whatever convinces you. You may repeat the du`a' of Istikharah several times if you are still hesitant. It is not necessary to dream about anything and you do not have to wait for an answer in your dreams. It is reported in a Hadith that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:

"O Anas, when you intend to do some important things, then seek the good (seek Istikharah) from your Lord seven times and then do that to which your heart (or mind) is inclined, because the good is in it."

After the Istikharah Prayer, some people may see a dream and some may not. We know that some of our dreams become true. Some time we see something in a dream and it happens exactly the same way later. As there are good dreams and bad dreams, so there are also true and false dreams. The interpretation of dreams is a special knowledge that some people have. In the Qur'an many dreams are mentioned. Prophet Ibrahim (peace be upon him) saw in his dream that he was sacrificing his son. Prophet Yusuf (peace be upon him) had dreams and Allah also gave him the knowledge of interpreting dreams. Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) also sometimes interpreted the dreams of his Companions.”

It is not at all necessary for a person to have visions or dreams following Istikharah. In fact most of us do not have “clear dream”…. So …use our brain and heart to take the next step…inshaAllah as far whatever that we do have been consulted with Allah swt through istikharah…whatever we decide…as far we try to be honest and follow the guidance…. That must be the best… However, if a person does experience a vision or dream, and he feels strongly about it, he should follow it

Wallahualam bishshowab

Rytha

Tue Jan 11, 2005 6:47 am

Reply for sister at MyIslam group

~Trust ~

Trust is very important thing in human relationship. Unconditional trust will build confidence. Someone could stay away from very very dear ones but couldn’t stay with one where there is not trust.

A wife can’t follow her husband wherever he goes and sticks around him 24 hours to always keep on eyes what he is doing... Where trust doesnt exists….she will spend her mind, heart and energy just to worry about her husband. She will suffer and unhappy. I believe her husband also will leave her sooner [due such suspicious behavior].

What about our trust to Allah swt?

If sometimes we do not trust human, it’s normal because some of them do not deserve any trust, but when we stop trust Allah swt, this will be really really a big problem.

We often lost trust when are facing some tests in life. In fact Allah will always test us to prove how strong our belief, because mere lip service of Faith is not enough. It must be tried and tested in the real turmoil in life. The test will be applied in all kinds of circumstances; in individual life and in relation to the environment around us, to see whether we can strive constantly and put Allah above Self.

"Do men think that They may be left alone On saying, "We believe," And that they will not be tested? [HQ 29:2]

Did ye think that ye would enter Heaven without Allah testing those of you who fought hard (In His Cause) and remained steadfast? [HQ 3:142]

"...do ye think that ye shall enter the Garden (of bliss) without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? they encountered suffering and adversity, and were so shaken in spirit that even the Messenger and those of faith who were with him cried: "When (will come) the help of Allah." Ah! Verily, the help of Allah is (always) near!" [HQ 2:214]

Much pain, sorrow, and self-sacrifice may be necessary, not because they are good in themselves, but because they will purify us, like fire applied to a goldsmith's crucible to burn our the dross.

Sometimes we feel the test so hard, but actually Allah swt said : “On no soul doth Allah place a burden greater than it can bear... “[HQ 2:286]. How hard it is, it will not over than what we can bear.

The most important thing we shouldn’t feel frustrates and lost hope “So lose not heart, nor fall into despair: for ye must gain mastery if ye are true in Faith”. [HQ 3:139]. We have to face it with patience “O ye who believe! Persevere in patience and constancy; vie in such perseverance; strengthen each other; and fear Allah; that ye may prosper [HQ :3:200], Nay, seek (God’s) help with patient perseverance and pray: it is indeed hard, except to those who bring a lowly spirit [HQ 2:45].

When we are in the peak of “test”, when find no way, no help, we should always trust Allah. Trust in anything. We shouldn’t ever feel Allah abandon or forget us. "There is no soul but has A protector over it" [HQ 86:4]. Allah will always help us…"When (will come) the help of Allah." Ah! Verily, the help of Allah is (always) near!” [HQ 2:214].

If a man has a true spiritual understanding, he has nothing to be afraid of. He is protected by Allah in many ways that he does not even know. We have to return to Him : ….Allah sufficeth me: there is no God but He: on Him is my trust ….[HQ 9:129] …and never give up hope of Allah’s Soothing mercy: truly no one despairs of God’s soothing Mercy, except those who have no faith [HQ 12:87]

Allah swt will always answer our pray like what He said “When My servants ask thee concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I listen to the prayer of every suppliant when he calleth on Me...” [HQ 2:186].

But our mind are so limit to catch His wisdom, sometimes it seem He didn’t answer our prays or when we dream something He doesn’t give what we want. Allah said : “…It possible that ye dislike a thing which is good for you, and that ye love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knoweth, and ye know not “[HQ 2:216]

He will always answer our pray but sometimes in different way, sometimes He replace it with something better than what we asked. When He didn’t give what we want it must be not good for us and He save us from something worse, or He keep the goodness of that pray to hereafter.
What will we get by leave trust in Allah?

God hath purchased of the believers their persons and their goods; for their (in return) is the Garden (of Paradise)….[HQ :9:111]

For Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him). [HQ 3:159]. If Allah helps you, none can overcome you: If He forsakes you, who is there, after that, that can help you? in Allah, then, Let believers put their trust. [HQ 3:160]

Wallahualam bishshowab

"I put my trust in Allah, My Lord and your Lord! There is not a moving creature, but He hath grasp of its fore-lock. Verily, it is my Lord that is on a straight Path. [HQ 11:56]

Bandung Thu Oct 21, 2004
Rytha

~InterCultural Marriage~

Being hijabi girl, being beard man, with tons da'waah activities, the hafidz/hafidzah, master all shari'ah knowledge, etc will not guaranty anyone immune from this kind of virus; the pinky virus, the virus of love.

Hijab is nothing if that only to cover the outside but we let our "inside" free; wandering, imagining, wild because the essence of hijab is what lay inside of our heart [7]

Warning!!!

Don't too confidence with your strength. Never say this will not ever happen to you !! Nauzubillah .. May Allah protect all of us. This is a contagious disease that can attack anyone. This like is like flood that could destroy even the most arrogant high skyscraper buildings. it like the fire that can burn anything, destroy everything and turn things become useless dust.....

For my Dear brothers in Islam......

This is just opinion from a sister view point. I do not mean to reveal the negative side of my fellow brothers. But this is a reality that has to convey. I am very very grateful if you are far from what I am going to write...This is only for some of my fellow brothers who need to be advice and reminded...I do not really mean to teach things as I know there are many my senior knowledgeable brothers...Above all...It's a part of obligation between Moslem to enjoin in good and forbid in evil....

The issue is about intercultural marriage and premarital relationship.

The topic premarital relationship has been talking everywhere, whole the time... InshaAllah all have already had sufficient knowledge what Islamic view points about this matter...It's the time to practice

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. That's meant they carry more responsibility on their shoulder higher, and for this reason they got a respect as a leader [Qowwam][9] consider man as qowwam we leave so many hope in your hands....We really wish you can be the best leader, a responsible, a determine, a firm but do not forget to include the love, mercy and compassion person...

Move to the issue of intercultural of marriage....

Allah subhana wata'ala say : O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise (each other). Verily the most honored of you in the sight of Allah is (he who is) the most righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well acquainted (with all things).[10]

The spirit to get marry with someone outside your culture is supported by that verse....

BUT

Brother, there are many things that you should think before choose this kind of marriage. As a mature human being, before do something we should think all the consequences. We should prepare all the conditions. We should see the situations. We should measure our capacity and our ability.

Please, don't do something just for the sake to follow your heart [your nafs] but your brain abstain to think how to do that and you brain never think what will be the consequences.. Intercultural marriage is NOT something easy. There are so many obstacles; external and internal factors. I emphasis this again.....There are a lot of problems; there are too many aspects that have to be considered...

Even for a couple who already fit each other and both of family members feel happy about the marriage, they still face a tremendous obstacles, lets alone for them who unprepared and haven't got approval from respective family.If you have desire to marry someone outside your culture, please consider these factors:

1. Do your families [the whole family] can accept someone outside your race?

There are many reasons in some culture why this option seem impossible.. Some afraid their family treasure will fall to the outsider... Some prefer to strengthen the treaty between the families...

A sister used to share how difficult she got marry even with a man who from the same country. Sometimes it just about minor things, such as: he is not from the same city, or he does not talk with same language, he is not from the same clan, etc etc.... let's alone to think marry someone from different country and race, it will be harder than move a mountain...

If the tradition of your family like this, you should think thousands [billions] times before take this choice....If you still insist want to take this choice at least try to socialize this thoughts long time before your got marriage. Never purpose any girl before you sure about this condition.

Attention please!

It is not enough only your parents or siblings who agree about your decision, but also the whole big family...

One of sister planed to marry with a brother from different country. All has been settled... His parents agreed and his siblings loved the sister. He already prepared the visa....He was moving his business to that sister country....All seemed just perfect and ready...But then his grandmas came, she totally rejected this idea...She took over all things; she made him engaged to his cousin. NO body could say things...

Maybe some of us never imagine if such OLD mature educated man couldn't do anything but cry and being isolated. He even was not allowed to contact that sister...

Where is his honor and dignity as a man....

He could run away from his grandma and contacted that sister to tell the whole situations. What should he do? He was so desperate...Should he run from house then come to her country? [In fact in the next 6 hours he was going to marry].

Imagine that situation. Will a God fearing lady advice a man to leave his family just because of her?

The ending of this pathetic story always the sister who should sacrifice everything... she never have choice... in fact she shoudnt offer such choices...

My dear brother....Don't you think this is the most stupid question to ask to a lady? I run to you or I left here to marry someone else?

You can imagine how ashamed that sister feel and how her family feel?

This is not the story in the movie.. This happened for real.. There are some cultures where all these pathetic things could happen [Even very common happened]

If you feel you born and raised in such culture, you should think about this. Please stop chasing sisters, please stop spread your sweet words, please stop make any false promises, please stop to effect sister with your poisons..... Please stop to dream about intercultural marriage that you know very very well you will never able to handle it...Else you will only make others life miserable.Don't be too confidence to say you can handle everything..

Don't be confidence to say your family is different.. Don't be confidence to say you are free to choose and to marry anyone that you want. You should make sure all first before boast things. Else you will only give false hope in other heart.

Brother.... Please don't make the entire world know the relationship but your family members...and then be a coward who cancel things in the last minutes and choose the easier way to run away and leave others life miserably....

Please...don't destroy the life our new convert sisters. They just know the beautiful teaching of Islam.. Please do not trap them by your fake irresponsible sweet natures when you do know very well your family never ever accept them.. They are weak, their life already full of struggles, they are lonely; they need people who really support them dearly... Please do not make their life more more difficult by fall in love with such childish irresponsible attitude. If you can't do something to make their life better...please just go away from them. [my dear convert sisters.. this not only happened to you.. our born moslem sisters many of them who feel nightmare experience wich sich irresponsible brothers...... ]

Please have self respect brothers, as a real Moslem man. You will only gain that respect when you also can think about the honor of your sister in Islam.. This honor of her family....this is sacred to care the honor your fellow Moslems.

Don't be men who only can say...If Allah destiny has written we will be together, nobody can separate us... That's true..But your understanding that sentence probably is very BIG false..most of time the actions which follow of those sentence can be so childish, emotional....irrational..

2. If your parents and family agree and do not mind with such marriage. Now you should measure your ability, and your capacity. Do you have much savings?

I know some of you very God fearing and have great taqwa. But Allah want you use your brain too..

Things happened with sunnatullah. if you do not have money but you wish to marry someone thousands miles away from you, you cant only say.. If Allah wishes this can happen. It's true if Allah wish all will happen.. But most of times, things that happened in this universe is follow the sunnatullah there are should be the actions before gain the result.

Intercultural marriage needs a BIG money!

You can't straight away to marry a sister in the first time you meet her and her wali. If she has parents and family, it hardly they will let a stranger marry their daughter that away. At least in the first time you come only to visit, to get know and to talk or arrange all things and then if you lucky you can come next to marry.When the date of marriage has been settled, you need to bring your parents, or few of your relatives or friends. That's all need big money. You need make the password, the visa; you need book the flight, etc....

Sometimes you need to be sweet gentlemen who bring gifts for her and her family members[Even if this is not mandatory but this can be the common custom in one region]

You need to prepare a place where you will live with your wife if you want to bring her to your country, sometimes you need to stay in her country for couple of months to care everything [see you need to prepare the money to live in foreign country without working....]

ThenWhat's about the honey moon?

What about dowry?

What about the wedding party, the walimah?

In some country the man should pay those budget etc etc

If you are still teenager who still depends on your parents, please take think about this. Don't make your life become more complicated; be fall in love, give so many promises, but do not able to do the follow up. Perhaps it's OK if your parents RICH.

But think about this..

" Dad, give me money.. I need to buy plan ticket to marry her"

"Dad, give me money I need to buy the dowry"

"Dad, give me money I need to pay the walimah"

and then "Dad I need to buy milk for my child"

"Dad I need money to buy my wife clothes"

Astaghfirullah..

Is that a honor man.. a qowwan.. a protector .. a maintainer??

The most honorable food is the one that earn from their own hands. The pride of believer is being independent of people[11]

It doesn't mean to prevent you get married in young. But the main thing here, as a qowwan you should have pride, you should live in honor, You should think how to earn yourself, how to be independent.. Don't think to burden your parent whole of your life and the parasite in their life [even if they do not mind about this]

A respectable sister will not see your parents' money?There is nothing to be proud from your parents'money.

3. Make sure there is your country embassy in her country. Else everything will be extremely difficult....

4. Find the information about the status of the children.

Each country has different regulation regarding status of the children who were born from mixed married? Prepare to learn about that including what if the divorce happened in the future.

5. Brother, if this is not your first marriage, don't cheat, be honest even if that sister in different country and you keep her from your other wife in other country, this is not good attitude of a real Muslim man [even if you can find the dalil to support this silly actions]

I always wonder why the sister always talk about their fiance and husband so openly.. It seem whole the world know if a sister is married or engaged but It hardly to know if a brother already got marriage or not. Some sister usually will be happy to say.. I am married and have kids. They will happily tell about their kids and cute husband . but it hardly Moslem brother will say something that indicate he is not a free man anymore...

Is that because brother always wants to appear like a single man??

What for ?

wallahu alam.

6. Please have sufficient knowledge about everything that related to the sister that you are going to marry.

Take time to learn about her culture, about her language, about the costume, the food, the people, anything that belongs to her.At least you know where her country in the globe.

Please consider some of those points before make choice and decision. Please think before step doing something. If you do not prepare all of them carefully, thing will end so painfully.

In some cases, the family already agreed, both side love very much but they do not have money. This will turn like live in the dreaming land. The love keeps growing, but anytime you remember your disability to marry the one that you love, you will feel such grief...You will keep waiting each other. It hard to do the separation, life seem not go anywhere, Start to pray for all the miracles...waiting to the miracles....then time passing.. You do not realize you have been wasting your life for uncertain things.

Some brave enough to end everything; but this is also a hard and painful decision. Separation will hurt everyone...both of you and also the family members.

For my dear brothers who do not that ability. Please go away from sisters even if you love her dearly you should try restrain yourself.. Else you will get involve with her deeply. This will only create problem..

Don't play with fire.. Else you will get burn....Don't play with ladies' heart.. Remember Allah is just. If today you hurt one's heart.. Perhaps tomorrow someone else will hurt you or you will be the witness other hurt people that you love. Please be careful because the prayer of person who oppressed will be answered.

If you want to go, just go... NEVER come back. Don't play with sisters' heart, Don't use your fellow sisters as a place that you can "come by" anytime you need. And then you leave them with all those memories...You come when you remember, then you abandon them when you do not need them anymore... when you find something easier or when you can't bear the responsibility.

You can see how this behavior really torturing sister feelings.

Be firm, if you have decided to go...Go and never come back except you already prepare, grow more mature, responsible and ready to take a clear action to do the follow up, else go away never come back? please disappear from her life FOREVER....

Please be careful in sending messages to sisters online. You should fully aware what you are doing. Talk with sister half hour is enough to make you fall in love. It'd enough to make you blind. And later you will feel want to leave all things that you love. You will abandon your parents that have raised and loved you for years, for a single girl that you just for couple hours...You are weak, just sometimes your prides do not want to admit it.

There are many your fellow sisters who still very young and innocent. You may the first person who touches their innocent heart. They are still too innocent to understand if you just play around, if you just waste time. They will believe deathly if you are true and sincere. They will remember all your silly flowering, candies words to the rest of her life.. In fact you didn't mean it. It all just nothing. It's only a game for you.. it's only joke...it just a big nothing for you... Be careful.. you do not know the effect what you do to other .

When you decide use matrimonial site.. Make sure you really qualified and prepare for such intercultural marriage and really really serious to get married..If you are student or worker in one country and think to marry someone out of your culture...Please prepare all of them?Brother, the real self respect, self honor in a Moslem life is when they can responsible for all their actions. The self respect and dignity is nothing if that means you hurt people that you love and loved you ....

Whatever you do should have clear purpose, don't just do things for the sake of adventure or killing the time. If every man realize how big their responsibility, if they understand well for every act of hearing, or of seeing or of (feeling in) the heart will be enquired into (on the Day of Reckoning). [12] They will careful in every steps. They will be mindful whatever what they doing.

Please forgive me if I hurt anyone...May Allah subhana wata'la help and guide all of us.

May Allah always help and guide us to be a better responsible person.... Wallahu alam

bishshowabAstaghfiruka wa atubu ilaikaSubhanakallahumma wabihamdika ashadu ala ilaha illa anta astaghfiruka wa atubu ilaika

Bandung November 2005

Rytha

Excerpt from my the response to seekingthepathtoJannah :
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/seekingthepathtojannah/message/933

[7] cover the outside is an obligation, but it will only just mere a cover that mean nothing if the heart not follow it Qur'an An Nur 24:330-31, Qur'an Al Ahzab 33:59

[8] Qur'an An Nisa 4:29

[9] Qur'an An-Nisa 4:34

[10] Qur'an Al Hujurat 49:13

[11] HR Hakim

[12] Qur'an Al Isra' 17:36

~A seal on their hearts, On their hearing, & On their eyes is a veil~

What the reasons behind all distress, adversity, misery, suffering, warfare, conflicts, disaster, calamity, poverty, etc etc that been experiencing many Moslem for years? Will we accuse the disbeliveers, any particular countries, or any particular organizations at the first place? Or we will throw more theories, born more analyzers, then all people will speak out [but less actions] - "the watcher smarter than player"…. The world will become too noisy… but for nothing… just spread the fitnah [slenderness], accusations, hatred, detestation, rancor, revenge, vengeance, grudge, and resentment, suspicious, so on. But The ones who suffer just keep suffering, the ones who starving just keep dying…..

"Behold, ye received it on your tongues, and said out of your mouths things of which ye had no knowledge; and ye thought it to be a light matter, while it was most serious in the sight of Allah." [HQ 24:15]

O ye who believe! Avoid suspicion as much (as possible): for suspicion in some cases is a sin: And spy not on each other behind their backs. Would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? Nay, ye would abhor it...But fear Allah...[HQ 49:12]

Oh, my dear brothers and sisters, lets remember what Allah subhana wata’ala answer : “Whatever of good befalleth thee (O man) it is from Allah, and whatever of ill befalleth thee it is from thyself. We have sent thee (Muhammad) as a messenger unto mankind and Allah is sufficient as Witness.” [HQ.4:79].

And

"O ye who believe! Fear God, and let every soul look to what (provision) he has sent forth for the morrow. Yea, fear God: for God is well acquainted with (all) that ye do. [HQ.59:18]

Those verses remain us “whenever of ill befalleth thee it is from thyself”, and Allah said “let every soul look to what (provision) he has sent forth for the morrow “ that’s mean the first thing that we should observe that is ourselves. We should do introspection [muhasabah] what’s wrong with us. What sins that we have been doing before we go condemn others.

We sometimes think that we are in the right path, we are a real believer and we can’t be wrong or we are the most peacemakers. But Allah also allude us:

“And of mankind are some who say: We believe in Allah and the Last Day, when they believe not. “[HQ.2:8]

“And when it is said unto them: Make not mischief in the earth, they say: We are peacemakers only.” [HQ.2:11]

“Are not they indeed the mischief-makers ? But they perceive not.” [HQ.2:12]

This perhaps the reason why many Moslem and called themselves "a true believers" but actually what they do just make everything getting worse..... The actions that not based on the understanding could lead to the misleading

Perhaps Allah wants to remind us because we are living away from the light of His guidance. We have made our “desire” and the worldly things delude us from remembering Him and hereafter life. We get usual committing sins; we do not hesitate to indulge in subhat [doubtfully] matters, even do not feel any guilty to keep doing haram things. Allah reminds us so many time in His Holy book [Qur’an] how He has destroyed some nations because of their transgressions….

“We destroyed the generations before you when they did wrong; and their messengers (from Allah) came unto them with clear proofs (of His Sovereignty) but they would not believe. Thus do We reward the guilty folk.” [HQ.10:13]

“And when We would destroy a township We send commandment to its folk who live at ease, and afterward they commit abomination therein, and so the Word (of doom) hath effect for it, and we annihilate it with complete annihilation.” [HQ.17:16]

Subhanallah….. nauzubillah…. May all of this is only a test from Him to make us back to His part. We all ask refuge from His wrath because of our ignorance.

“And surely We shall try you with something of fear and hunger, and loss of wealth and lives and crops; but give glad tidings to the steadfast,” [HQ.2:155]

“Or deemed ye that ye would enter paradise while yet Allah knoweth not those of you who really strive, nor knoweth those (of you) who are steadfast ?” [HQ.3:142]

When we have pondered inside [ourselves], we can see outside factors, but actually the answers are there too [in holly Quran], we shouldn’t feel that surprise because Allah swt also has described it

“And the Jews will not be pleased with thee, nor will the Christians, till thou follow their creed. Say: Lo! the guidance of Allah (Himself) is Guidance. And if thou shouldst follow their desires after the knowledge which hath come unto thee, then wouldst thou have from Allah no protecting guardian nor helper.” [HQ.2:120]

The history will always keep repeating because the human nature always the same from the time this universe was created to the end of the world [or perhaps worse]....

Allah said the prosperity, the power could lead someone [nation] will not have any profit from their hearing, sight, heart and intellect.

“And We had firmly established them in a (prosperity and) power which We have not given to you (ye Quraish!) and We had endowed them with (faculties of) hearing, seeing, heart and intellect: but of no profit to them were their (faculties of) hearing, sight, and heart and intellect, when they went on rejecting the Signs of Allah. and they were (completely) encircled by that which they used to mock at! “ [HQ 46:25]

They are totally blind [completely heartless], doesn't care how loud we speak, doesn't care how whole the world crying in grief… they will hear nothing….Allah really have sealed their heart because of their arrogance… absolutely don't know what is "faith", what is humanism….

"As to those who reject Faith, it is the same to them whether thou warn them or do not warn them; they will not believe. Allah hath set a seal on their hearts and on their hearing, and on their eyes is a veil; great is the penalty they (incur)." [HQ 2:6-7]

It just like what Allah swt asked : "Do they not travel through the land, so that their hearts (and minds) may thus learn wisdom and their ears may thus learn to hear? [HQ 22:4]6].

The answer that is : "Truly it is not their eyes that are blind, but their hearts which are in their breasts." [HQ 22:46]

Remember what Allah said about 'Aad people [when reminded the Quraish - about their arrogance] and again, the history will always repeat [like what how the 'Aad people end up] for "We destroyed aforetime populations round about you; and we have shown the Signs in various ways, that they may turn (to Us)." [HQ 46:26]. They will embrace their destiny......[the destruction] due of their arrogance.... insyaAllah!!

And then....What should we do to face such "terrible" slenderness that being accused to us [Moslem].... ?

“O ye who believe! When ye meet an army, hold firm and think of Allah much, that ye may be successful.” [HQ.8:45]

“Fight in the way of Allah against those who fight against you, but begin not hostilities. Lo! Allah loveth not aggressors.” [HQ.2:190]

"O ye who believe! Fear Allah as He should be feared, and die not except in a state of Islam. And hold fast, all together, by the rope which Allah (stretches out for you), and be not divided among yourselves; and remember with gratitude Allah's favour on you; for ye were enemies and He joined your hearts in love, so that by His Grace, ye became brethren; and ye were on the brink of the pit of Fire, and He saved you from it. Thus doth Allah make His Signs clear to you: That ye may be guided.” [HQ 3:102-103]

"Truly Allah loves those who fight in His Cause in battle array, as if they were a solid cemented structure". [HQ 61:4]

We have to keep together.... "hold fast, all together, by the rope which Allah (stretches out for you), and be not divided among yourselves;" Allah has enjoined our heart in love, He love us to fight in His Cause in battle array, as if we are a solid cemented structure.

“O Prophet! Exhort the believers to fight. If there be of you twenty steadfast they shall overcome two hundred, and if there be of you a hundred (steadfast) they shall overcome a thousand of those who disbelieve, because they (the disbelievers) are a folk without intelligence.” [HQ.8:65]

“Now hath Allah lightened your burden, for He knoweth that there is weakness in you. So if there be of you a steadfast hundred they shall overcome two hundred, and if there be of you a thousand (steadfast) they shall overcome two thousand by permission of Allah. Allah is with the steadfast.” [HQ.8:66]

The power of believers is not accounted by the numbers but by “the quality” [how strong they steadfast hold what their belief]. The power 1000 of true believers are same as 2000 of non-believers. This is the secret why Rasulullah and his companions could gain a victory in badr battle.

“Allah had already given you the victory at Badr, when ye were contemptible. So observe your duty to Allah in order that ye may be thankful.” [HQ.3:123]

“When thou didst say unto the believers: Is it not sufficient for you that your Lord should support you with three thousand angels sent down (to your help)?” [HQ.3:124]

“Nay, but if ye persevere, and keep from evil, and (the enemy) attack you suddenly, your Lord will help you with five thousand angels sweeping on.” [HQ.3:125]

“Allah ordained this only as a message of good cheer for you, and that thereby your hearts might be at rest - Victory cometh only from Allah, the Mighty, the Wise –“ [HQ.3:126]

Oh lets not be like foam floating on ocean….a lot but nothing………

Wallahu alam bishowab.

Rytha

Bandung Sep 15, 2004