Sunday, June 18, 2006

~ Divorce or Remain Patience ~

picture shot by Sis Dina Bliss

Dear sister.....

May you are fine…and may Allah bestow you His blessing and His mercy to make you steadfast in patience to face all those trial in your marriage life

I write this emails also to show my dearly sympathy for every sister who are oppressed, for them who are not lucky in their marital life. I do personally hear directly and be witness how this matter can be so complicated. I met how sisters live suffering wish one day her husband let her free…in fact their husband doesn’t want to give divorce not because he loves her but just because to show his superiority, his self pride to his friends, family, to maintain his egoism…

There are many who have in the same roof but no any marriage life, live together like perpetual enemy … but also cant divorce….The sadness when the sister go to imam, many imam who refuse them…nor listen them…. They live in uncertainty not only for one or two years…but for years….even some…..have to bear and grin until the rest of their life. There were some who finally successes to ask divorce but need get recover for years to gain back their strength.

I am composing this email not in intention to encourage sisters asking divorce….but I want every Muslimah know about their right, and know what Islam offer for their happiness…

I don’t know what Rasulullah sallahu alaihiwassalam will say if he lives among us now…and see how many of men treat woman badly…in fact he said :

"Made beloved to me from your world are women and perfume, and the coolness of my eyes is in prayer." [Ahmad and An-Nasa 'i]

How he advice and forbid one companion who rush riding camel when woman with him… How he describe that woman is like a mirror…and have to clean and treat carefully…

Even before He left us… in his last speech he mention about woman :

“O men, to you a right belongs with respect to your women a right with respect to you. It is your right that they do not fraternize with any one whom you do not approve, as well as never to commit adultery. But if they do, then Allah has permitted you to isolate them within their homes and to chastise them without cruelty.

But if they abide by your right, then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness.

Do treat your women well and be kind to them, for they are you partners and committed helpers. Remember that you have taken them as your wives and enjoy their flesh only under Allah's trust and with His permission. Reason well, therefore, O men, and ponder my words which I now convey to you.” [Prophet last Sermon in Farewell Pilgrimage


It’s true Allah that Allah give men a degree over than woman

......And women shall have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what is equitable; but men have a degree (of advantage) over them. And Allah is Exalted in Power, Wise. [Qur'an Al Baqarah 2:228]

But that “special degree”…..not just for free…. When Allah gives superiority upon someone…He always follows that with responsibilities… Man over one degree because he has to carry more BURDEN…. More RESPONSIBILITY over woman…[so it not for show off…not to caste them become oppressor…] but to be like what Allah say :

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. …. [Qur'an An Nisaa 4:34]

…….They are your garments and ye are their garments…… [Qur'an Al Baqaarah 2:187]

Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will; but do some good act for your souls beforehand; and fear Allah….. [Qur'an Al Baqaarah 2:223]

In Islam, both man and woman have rights. Allah says,

“And women have rights similar to those of men in kindness.” [Qur’an Al-Baqarah 2:228]

These rights include rights to be treated fairly and kindly in all circumstances, both in case of marriage and in case of separation.

Just as a man has a right to leave a marriage that is uncomfortable or miserable, a woman has every right to leave a marriage that she finds uncomfortable or unbearable.

When ye divorce women, and they fulfil the term of their ('Iddat), either take them back on equitable terms or set them free on equitable terms; but do not take them back to injure them, (or) to take undue advantage; if any one does that; He wrongs his own soul. Do not treat Allah’s Signs as a jest, but solemnly rehearse Allah’s favours on you, and the fact that He sent down to you the Book and Wisdom, for your instruction.

And fear Allah, and know that Allah is well acquainted with all things. When ye divorce women, and they fulfil the term of their ('Iddat), do not prevent them from marrying their (former) husbands, if they mutually agree on equitable terms.

This instruction is for all amongst you, who believe in Allah and the Last Day. That is (the course Making for) most virtue and purity amongst you and Allah knows, and ye know not. [Qur’an Al Baqaarah 2:231-232]

Islam doesn’t allow us to commit injustice to anyone. Allah has issued firm orders to men that they must deal kindly with women at all times: “And cohabit with them on terms of kindness.” They are also warned against being acting unfairly and unkindly and against holding women as prisoners in a marriage; rather they must, “take them back on equitable terms or set them free on equitable terms; but do not take them back to injure them, (or) to take undue advantage;” [Qur’an 2:231]

So that whenever a husband violates the above principles, wife has a right to take whatever legal steps necessary to ask for dissolution of the marriage.

I think many sisters who ever asked divorce will be very familiar with this hadist

"If any woman asks her husband for a divorce without some strong reason, the fragrance of the Garden will be forbidden to her." [Reported by Ahmad, At-Tirmidhi, Abu Dawud, and Ibn Majah]

"Among lawful things, divorce is most hated by Allah." [Reported by Abu Dawud]

Imam Muslim reported on the authority of Jabir ibn `Abdullah, who stated that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said:

"Iblis (Satan) places his throne upon water, then sends his groups. The closest to him are those who (tempt people to) commit the most grievous of sins (fitnah). One of them would approach him and say: I did such-and-such. Iblis would reply: You have done nothing. Another would approach and say: I did not leave him (a man) until I caused him to leave his wife and for them to be separated. Iblis would bring him close to his throne and would say: How good you are!”

Some of those hadists so popular [especially being so popular to make woman scared to dismiss their right to asking divorce – even if the condition been very bad]…. Astaghfiurllah……

Indeed divorce should consider as the last solution, the final solution when all effort for reconciliation stuck.

A husband must be patient with his wife if he sees something in her that he disapproves and dislikes. He should recognize that he is dealing with a human being with natural imperfections, and he should balance her good qualities with her failings. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:

“Let a believing man not dislike a believing woman. If something in her is displeasing to him, another trait may be pleasing.”

And Allah Almighty says,

"...And consort with them in kindness, for if you dislike them, it may be that you dislike something in which Allah has placed much good." [Qur’an An-Nisa' 4:19]

While on the one hand, Islam requires the husband to be tolerant and patient with what he dislikes in his wife, on the other hand, it commands the wife to try to please her husband as far as her ability and charm allows, and warns her not to let a night pass during which her husband remains angry with her. A hadith states:

"There are three (persons) whose prayer does not rise even a single span above their heads:
a man leading a congregational prayer while the people hate him, a woman passing the night while her husband is angry with her, and two quarreling brothers." [Reported by Ibn Majah and by Ibn Hibban in his Sahih]

If all efforts fail and every course tried proves to be of no avail, in response to the bitter realities of life, when difficulties cannot be resolved except through the separation of the two parties in an honorable fashion, Islam has made the provision of divorce. Islam has permitted divorce reluctantly, neither liking nor commending it.

Divorce, a thing is lawful yet detested by Allah means that it is permissible under unavoidable circumstances, when living together becomes torture, mutual hatred is deep-seated, and it becomes difficult for the two parties to observe the limits of Allah and to fulfill their marital responsibilities. In such a situation separation is better, and Allah Almighty says,

“But if they separate, Allah will provide for each of them out of His abundance...” [Qur’an An-Nisa' 2:130]

Under certain condition woman have right / the same right to ask for divorce……

There are three types of divorces according to the Shari`ah, they are :

The first type is Talaq, the divorce that is initiated by the husband. Only a husband can give talaq to his wife. When a husband divorces his wife, he has to pay her full mahr [dower] if the marriage was consummated or half of the mahr if the marriage was not consummated. He also has to pay the `iddah expenses and if there are children then he has to pay the child care expenses to the wife.

The second type is called Khul`. It is a request for divorce initiated by the wife. In case a wife is not happy to live with her husband, she may ask her husband to divorce her at her request. In this case she is not entitled to the mahr and the husband may ask her to return the mahr that he gave her at the time of marriage. He may ask her some other compensation as well.

The third is the dissolution of marriage done by the Judge [qadi] at an Islamic court. This is called Faskh an-Nikah. The husband or wife or both can approach the court and ask the judge to dissolve their marriage due to some irreconcilable differences or problems. In this case the judge makes the decision and he may grant some compensation to the wife or some relief to the husband according to his judgment."

According Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Abd al-Rahmaan ibn Jibreen, and women can ask divorce in some conditions :

1. If a woman dislikes her husband’s treatment of her – for example, he is over-strict, hot-tempered or easily-provoked, or gets angry a lot, or criticizes her and rebukes her for the slightest mistake or shortcoming, then she has the right of khula’ [female-instigated divorce].

2. If she dislikes his physical appearance because of some deformity or ugliness, or because one of his faculties is missing, she has the right of khula’.

3. If he is lacking in religious commitment – for example, he doesn’t pray, or neglects to pray in jamaa’ah, or does not fast in Ramadaan without a proper excuse, or he goes to parties where haraam things are done, such as fornication, drinking alcohol and listening to singing and musical instruments, etc. – she has the right of khula’.

4. If he deprives of her of her rights of spending on her maintenance, clothing and other essential needs, when he is able to provide these things, then she has the right to ask for khula’.
5. If he does not give her her conjugal rights and thus keep her chaste because he is impotent (i.e. unable to have intercourse), or because he does not like her, or he prefers someone else, or he is unfair in the division of his time [i.e., among co-wives], then she has the right to ask for khula’.

Allah say about khulu’

It is not lawful for you, (Men), to take back any of your gifts (from your wives), except when both parties fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah. If ye (judges) do indeed fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah, there is no blame on either of them if she give something for her freedom. These are the limits ordained by Allah. so do not transgress them if any do transgress the limits ordained by Allah, such persons wrong (Themselves as well as others). [Qur'an Al Baqaarah 2:229]

Lets we see how sahabiyah asked divorce in the time of our prophet still alive among them:

One of sahabiyah Habibah binti Sahl - the wife of Thabit ibn Qays came to the Prophet sallahu alaihi wassalam and said,

"O Messenger of Allah, I do not reproach Thabit ibn Qays in respect of character and religion,
but I do not want to be guilty of showing anger to him.'' (Her meaning was that although Thabit was a good man, she was unable to get along with him and thus might not be able to show him the respect due to a husband.)

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) asked her about what she had received from him.

She replied, "A garden." He asked, "Will you give him back his garden?" "Yes," she said. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) then told Thabit, "Accept the garden and make one declaration of divorce." [Reported by al-Bukhari and an-Nasa'i]

From this case the scholars understood that if a woman cannot stay with her husband, The wife can seek divorce from her husband through khul`, but if he refuses to grant her request then she can seek the dissolution of marriage through the court of law, then the judge should ask him to divorce her by khula’; indeed he should order him to do so. While asking for a legal divorce, ask your lawyer to request your husband to issue an Islamic divorce in writing along with the court divorce; a judge can order him to issue the same. If, however, your husband refuses to issue an Islamic divorce, then you can approach a recognized imam in the community to endorse the court divorce as a valid Islamic divorce.

The qaadi (judge) has the authority to separate husband and wife and thus end the marriage if it is impossible for them to maintain a stable marriage and if the wife is being harmed by her husband’s neglect, whether it be sexual, economic or social. The qaadi should study each case on its own merits and look into the circumstances surrounding each case. The husband’s absence has no effect on the validity of the annulment. [Shaykh Ibraaheem al-Khudayri]

With regard to the way in which it is done, the husband should take his payment or they should agree upon it, then he should say to her “faaraqtuki” (I separate from you) or “khaala’tuki (I let you go), or other such words.

The Shari`ah has not given the right to a woman to divorce her husband, because only the husband has all the financial obligations of the family. The wife can, however, divorce her husband if her husband gave her that right either at the time of marriage or afterwards [i.e through prenuptial marital agreement] .

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO BE NOTED : After divorce he will be responsible to provide her maintenance during her `iddah and if there are any children in the family then he will be responsible for their expenses. Thus to grant her that right equally with the husband while she has no financial obligation is unfair and unjust.

‘Iddah is obligatory upon every woman who leaves her husband, or whose husband leaves her, whether the cause is talaaq (divorce), annulment of the marriage or the death of the husband, except when the divorce occurs before the marriage has been consummated, in which case the woman does not have to observe ‘iddah, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“O you who believe! When you marry believing women, and then divorce them before you have sexual intercourse with them, no ‘Iddah [divorce prescribed period] have you to count in respect of them” [Qur’an al-Ahzaab 33:49]

If the woman who has been divorced by khula’ is pregnant then her ‘iddah lasts until she gives birth, according to scholarly consensus. [Al-Mughni, 11/227]

But if she is not pregnant, the scholars differed concerning her ‘iddah. Most of the scholars said that she should wait for three menstrual cycles, because of the general meaning of the aayah (interpretation of the meaning):

“And divorced women shall wait (as regards their marriage) for three menstrual periods” [al-Baqarah 2:228]

Some scholars said that the ‘iddah for a woman who ends her marriage to her husband by khula’ is three menstrual cycles, as in the case of one who is divorced by talaaq, but this was expertly refuted by Imam Ibn al-Qayyim, who said:

What indicates that khula’ is not the same as talaaq is the fact that in the case of a revocable talaaq after consummation of the marriage, there are specific rulings which are not applicable in the case of khula’.

1. That the husband has more right to take her back.
2. When the husband issues a talaaq, is it counted as one of three, and after the third it is not permissible for the wife to go back to him until she has been married to another man and that marriage has been consummated.
3. ‘Iddah in the case of talaaq is three menstrual cycles.

So the ‘iddah in the case of khula’ is what is indicated by the Sunnah, namely one menstrual cycle.

But the correct view is that it is sufficient for a woman divorced by khula’ to wait for one menstrual cycle, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told the wife of Thaabit ibn Qays, when she divorced him by khula’, to wait out the ‘iddah for one menstrual cycle. This hadeeth refers specifically to khula’ divorce whereas the aayah quoted above speaks of divorce in general. But if she waits out an ‘iddah of three menstrual cycles that will be more complete and will be on the safe side, and will avoid an area of scholarly dispute, as some scholars say that she should wait for three menstrual cycles, based on the aayah quoted. [Fataawa al-Talaaq by Shaykh Ibn Baaz, 1/286]

Finally….after the divorce…. Man can have ex-wife….but cant have ex-children…children will always be children…. so that even if divorce been sentenced… they [men] still responsible to their children [financially]…

InshaAllah Islam provide you some option, you can proceed for divorce or you can remain with that marriage…. Observe a great patience. May women who choose to hold their marriage… some because they do that for children…. They sacrifice their life and happiness for the sake of children. They act as if everything OK for their children… InshaAllah if some of women choose this way…not only in intention for their children happiness…but to observe patience to gain the pleasure of Allah, Allah will reward you and this can be your short card, your ticket to gain jannah [paradise]

And be steadfast in patience; for verily Allah will not suffer the reward of the righteous to perish. [Qur'an Huud 11:115]

O ye who believe ! Persevere in patience and constancy; vie in such perseverance; strengthen each other; and fear Allah; that ye may prosper [Qur'an Aali'-Imraan 3:200]

Allah mentions us about patience so many times in His holly book, this an indication that in all of Moslem affairs, we have to try our best to observe patience, and the trials can befall us from every aspect of life. Indeed it’s very hard journey :

Nay, seek (God’s) help with patient perseverance and pray: it is indeed hard, except to those who bring a lowly spirit [Qur'an Al Baqaarah 2:45]

Let give our dear trust to Allah …

….Allah sufficeth me: there is no God but He: on Him is my trust …. [Qur'an At-Taubah ayat 9:129]

So lose not heart, nor fall into despair: for ye must gain mastery if ye are true in Faith [Qur'an Aali'-Imraan 3:139]

…and never give up hope of Allah’s Soothing mercy: truly no one despairs of God’s soothing Mercy, except those who have no faith [Qur'anYusuf 12: 87]

Allah has purchased our life, and How hard trial that we face we should never lost any hope,

On no soul doth Allah place a burden greater than it can bear. [Qur'an Al Baqaarah 2:286]

God hath purchased of the believers their persons and their goods; for their (in return) is the Garden (of Paradise)…. [Qur'an At-Taubah ayat 9:111]

So that, lets back everything to him…lets everything that fall upon us to make us closer to Him….. by observe patience… a totally trust….. InshaAlalh we will find tranquility…..

It is He Who sent down tranquility into the hearts of the Believers, that they may add faith to their faith;.... [Qur'an Al Fat-h :48:4]

Who say, when afflicted with calamity: "To Allah We belong, and to Him is our return":-
They are those on whom (Descend) blessings from Allah, and Mercy, and they are the ones that receive guidance. [Qur'an Al Baqarah 2:156-157]

May this can give some outline….…inshaAllah for more detail information… sisters you can read some books… or ask some knowledgeable people [scholars]…. I believe there are some knowledge people who read this .....inshaAllah if they find something mistake from what I have written they will correct me… or if anyone know the best answer please to share… inshaAllah…

Wallahualam bishshowab…..
Your sister in Islam
MyIslam Moderator
Rytha N

Afwan..... I missed one thing… about istikharah….

Yes it would be better and recommended we always consul all of our affair to Allah through istikharah… Our lives not belong to us… Humans are limited in knowledge about what best for them…and we have very limit knowledge about unseen things…about what Allah hides from us about the future… Allah alone possesses perfect knowledge.

When faced with important decisions in life, a believer is persuaded to use all of his Allah-given resources, as well as to consult people who are known for their knowledge, piety and sound opinion. After having done so, he can turn to Allah for guidance.

Istikharah means, "seeking the best course of action." In Islam, it is used for approaching Allah through Prayer for guidance in a case when one cannot make up his mind. It should, however, be pointed out, that Istikharah applies strictly to cases that are halal (lawful or permissible), since there cannot be a question of choice concerning matters that are considered haram (unlalwful or impermissible).

It is a Sunnah or a highly recommended act. The specific method of doing it, is as follows:

First, one must offer a Prayer of two rak`ahs with the intention of seeking guidance from Allah. Then he should offer the following supplication:

"Allahumma inni astakhiruka bi`ilmika, wa astaqdiruka bi-qudratika, wa as'aluka min fadlika al-azim, fa'innaka taqdiru wala aqdiru, wa ta`lamu wa la a`lamu, wa anta `allamu-l-ghuyub.

Allahumma, in kunta ta`lamu anna hadhal-amra [here mention your case] khairun li fi dini wa ma`ashi wa `aqibati 'amri (or 'ajili amri wa`ajilihi) faqdurhu li wa yas-sirhu li thumma barik li fihi.

Wa in ta`lamu anna hadhal-amra sharrun li fi deeni wa ma`ashi wa `aqibati 'amri (or `ajili amri wa ajilihi) fasrifhu `anni was-rifni `anhu, waqdur liya al-khaira haithu kana thumma 'ardini bihi.”

[O Allah, I seek Your help in finding out the best course of action (in this matter) by invoking Your knowledge; I ask You to empower me, and I beseech Your favor. You alone have the absolute power, while I have no power. You alone know it all, while I do not. You are the One Who knows the hidden mysteries. O Allah, if You know this thing (I am embarking on) [here mention your case] is good for me in my religion, worldly life, and my ultimate destiny, then facilitate it for me, and then bless me in my action. If, on the other hand, You know this thing is detrimental for me in my religion, worldly life, and ultimate destiny, turn it away from me, and turn me away from it, and decree what is good for me, wherever it may be, and make me content with it.]

After having done so, he should follow the decision that he is strongly inclined to. If he feels no such inclination, then he should choose one of the options; he can rest assured that Allah will guide his steps. It has been reported that the Prophet, peace be upon him, said, "One who asks Allah for guidance in choosing the best course of action will never be a loser."

Imam An-Nawawi (may Allah bless his soul) adds:

“After making Istikharah, a person must do what he or she is wholeheartedly inclined to do and feels good about doing and should not insist on doing what he had desired to do before making the Istikharah. And if his or her feelings change, he or she should leave what he or she had intended to do, for otherwise he or she is not leaving the choice to Allah, and would not be honest in seeking help from Allah's power and knowledge. Sincerity in seeking Allah's choice means that one should completely abandon what one desired oneself.”

Dr. Muzammil Siddiqi, former head of the Islamic Society of North America (ISNA) and member of the Fiqh Council of North America, states:

After offering Istikharah, you may do whatever is best in your understanding or whatever convinces you. You may repeat the du`a' of Istikharah several times if you are still hesitant. It is not necessary to dream about anything and you do not have to wait for an answer in your dreams. It is reported in a Hadith that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:

"O Anas, when you intend to do some important things, then seek the good (seek Istikharah) from your Lord seven times and then do that to which your heart (or mind) is inclined, because the good is in it."

After the Istikharah Prayer, some people may see a dream and some may not. We know that some of our dreams become true. Some time we see something in a dream and it happens exactly the same way later. As there are good dreams and bad dreams, so there are also true and false dreams. The interpretation of dreams is a special knowledge that some people have. In the Qur'an many dreams are mentioned. Prophet Ibrahim (peace be upon him) saw in his dream that he was sacrificing his son. Prophet Yusuf (peace be upon him) had dreams and Allah also gave him the knowledge of interpreting dreams. Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) also sometimes interpreted the dreams of his Companions.”

It is not at all necessary for a person to have visions or dreams following Istikharah. In fact most of us do not have “clear dream”…. So …use our brain and heart to take the next step…inshaAllah as far whatever that we do have been consulted with Allah swt through istikharah…whatever we decide…as far we try to be honest and follow the guidance…. That must be the best… However, if a person does experience a vision or dream, and he feels strongly about it, he should follow it

Wallahualam bishshowab
Tue Jan 11, 2005 6:47 am
Reply for sister at MyIslam group