Sunday, June 04, 2006

~InterCultural Marriage~

Being hijabi girl, being beard man, with tons da'waah activities, the hafidz/hafidzah, master all shari'ah knowledge, etc will not guaranty anyone immune from this kind of virus; the pinky virus, the virus of love.

Hijab is nothing if that only to cover the outside but we let our "inside" free; wandering, imagining, wild because the essence of hijab is what lay inside of our heart [7]
Don't too confidence with your strength. Never say this will not ever happen to you !! Nauzubillah .. May Allah protect all of us. This is a contagious disease that can attack anyone. This like is like flood that could destroy even the most arrogant high skyscraper buildings. it like the fire that can burn anything, destroy everything and turn things become useless dust.....
For my Dear brothers in Islam......
This is just opinion from a sister view point. I do not mean to reveal the negative side of my fellow brothers. But this is a reality that has to convey. I am very very grateful if you are far from what I am going to write...This is only for some of my fellow brothers who need to be advice and reminded...I do not really mean to teach things as I know there are many my senior knowledgeable brothers...Above all...It's a part of obligation between Moslem to enjoin in good and forbid in evil....
The issue is about intercultural marriage and premarital relationship.
The topic premarital relationship has been talking everywhere, whole the time... InshaAllah all have already had sufficient knowledge what Islamic view points about this matter...It's the time to practice

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. That's meant they carry more responsibility on their shoulder higher, and for this reason they got a respect as a leader [Qowwam][9] consider man as qowwam we leave so many hope in your hands....We really wish you can be the best leader, a responsible, a determine, a firm but do not forget to include the love, mercy and compassion person...
Move to the issue of intercultural of marriage....

Allah subhana wata'ala say : O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise (each other). Verily the most honored of you in the sight of Allah is (he who is) the most righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well acquainted (with all things).
The spirit to get marry with someone outside your culture is supported by that verse....
Brother, there are many things that you should think before choose this kind of marriage. As a mature human being, before do something we should think all the consequences. We should prepare all the conditions. We should see the situations. We should measure our capacity and our ability.
Please, don't do something just for the sake to follow your heart [your nafs] but your brain abstain to think how to do that and you brain never think what will be the consequences.. Intercultural marriage is NOT something easy. There are so many obstacles; external and internal factors. I emphasis this again.....There are a lot of problems; there are too many aspects that have to be considered...
Even for a couple who already fit each other and both of family members feel happy about the marriage, they still face a tremendous obstacles, lets alone for them who unprepared and haven't got approval from respective family.If you have desire to marry someone outside your culture, please consider these factors:
1. Do your families [the whole family] can accept someone outside your race?

There are many reasons in some culture why this option seem impossible.. Some afraid their family treasure will fall to the outsider... Some prefer to strengthen the treaty between the families...
A sister used to share how difficult she got marry even with a man who from the same country. Sometimes it just about minor things, such as: he is not from the same city, or he does not talk with same language, he is not from the same clan, etc etc.... let's alone to think marry someone from different country and race, it will be harder than move a mountain...

If the tradition of your family like this, you should think thousands [billions] times before take this choice....If you still insist want to take this choice at least try to socialize this thoughts long time before your got marriage. Never purpose any girl before you sure about this condition.
Attention please!
It is not enough only your parents or siblings who agree about your decision, but also the whole big family...

One of sister planed to marry with a brother from different country. All has been settled... His parents agreed and his siblings loved the sister. He already prepared the visa....He was moving his business to that sister country....All seemed just perfect and ready...But then his grandmas came, she totally rejected this idea...She took over all things; she made him engaged to his cousin. NO body could say things...

Maybe some of us never imagine if such OLD mature educated man couldn't do anything but cry and being isolated. He even was not allowed to contact that sister...

Where is his honor and dignity as a man....
He could run away from his grandma and contacted that sister to tell the whole situations. What should he do? He was so desperate...Should he run from house then come to her country? [In fact in the next 6 hours he was going to marry].
Imagine that situation. Will a God fearing lady advice a man to leave his family just because of her?
The ending of this pathetic story always the sister who should sacrifice everything... she never have choice... in fact she shoudnt offer such choices...
My dear brother....Don't you think this is the most stupid question to ask to a lady? I run to you or I left here to marry someone else?
You can imagine how ashamed that sister feel and how her family feel?
This is not the story in the movie.. This happened for real.. There are some cultures where all these pathetic things could happen [Even very common happened]
If you feel you born and raised in such culture, you should think about this. Please stop chasing sisters, please stop spread your sweet words, please stop make any false promises, please stop to effect sister with your poisons..... Please stop to dream about intercultural marriage that you know very very well you will never able to handle it...Else you will only make others life miserable.Don't be too confidence to say you can handle everything..
Don't be confidence to say your family is different.. Don't be confidence to say you are free to choose and to marry anyone that you want. You should make sure all first before boast things. Else you will only give false hope in other heart.
Brother.... Please don't make the entire world know the relationship but your family members...and then be a coward who cancel things in the last minutes and choose the easier way to run away and leave others life miserably....
Please...don't destroy the life our new convert sisters. They just know the beautiful teaching of Islam.. Please do not trap them by your fake irresponsible sweet natures when you do know very well your family never ever accept them.. They are weak, their life already full of struggles, they are lonely; they need people who really support them dearly... Please do not make their life more more difficult by fall in love with such childish irresponsible attitude. If you can't do something to make their life better...please just go away from them. [my dear convert sisters.. this not only happened to you.. our born moslem sisters many of them who feel nightmare experience wich sich irresponsible brothers...... ]
Please have self respect brothers, as a real Moslem man. You will only gain that respect when you also can think about the honor of your sister in Islam.. This honor of her family....this is sacred to care the honor your fellow Moslems.
Don't be men who only can say...If Allah destiny has written we will be together, nobody can separate us... That's true..But your understanding that sentence probably is very BIG false..most of time the actions which follow of those sentence can be so childish, emotional....irrational..
2. If your parents and family agree and do not mind with such marriage. Now you should measure your ability, and your capacity. Do you have much savings?
I know some of you very God fearing and have great taqwa. But Allah want you use your brain too..
Things happened with sunnatullah. if you do not have money but you wish to marry someone thousands miles away from you, you cant only say.. If Allah wishes this can happen. It's true if Allah wish all will happen.. But most of times, things that happened in this universe is follow the sunnatullah there are should be the actions before gain the result.
Intercultural marriage needs a BIG money!
You can't straight away to marry a sister in the first time you meet her and her wali. If she has parents and family, it hardly they will let a stranger marry their daughter that away. At least in the first time you come only to visit, to get know and to talk or arrange all things and then if you lucky you can come next to marry.When the date of marriage has been settled, you need to bring your parents, or few of your relatives or friends. That's all need big money. You need make the password, the visa; you need book the flight, etc....
Sometimes you need to be sweet gentlemen who bring gifts for her and her family members[Even if this is not mandatory but this can be the common custom in one region]
You need to prepare a place where you will live with your wife if you want to bring her to your country, sometimes you need to stay in her country for couple of months to care everything [see you need to prepare the money to live in foreign country without working....]
ThenWhat's about the honey moon?
What about dowry?
What about the wedding party, the walimah?
In some country the man should pay those budget etc etc
If you are still teenager who still depends on your parents, please take think about this. Don't make your life become more complicated; be fall in love, give so many promises, but do not able to do the follow up. Perhaps it's OK if your parents RICH.
But think about this..
" Dad, give me money.. I need to buy plan ticket to marry her"
"Dad, give me money I need to buy the dowry"
"Dad, give me money I need to pay the walimah"
and then "Dad I need to buy milk for my child"
"Dad I need money to buy my wife clothes"


Is that a honor man.. a qowwan.. a protector .. a maintainer??
The most honorable food is the one that earn from their own hands. The pride of believer is being independent of people[11]
It doesn't mean to prevent you get married in young. But the main thing here, as a qowwan you should have pride, you should live in honor, You should think how to earn yourself, how to be independent.. Don't think to burden your parent whole of your life and the parasite in their life [even if they do not mind about this]
A respectable sister will not see your parents' money?There is nothing to be proud from your parents'money.
3. Make sure there is your country embassy in her country. Else everything will be extremely difficult....
4. Find the information about the status of the children.
Each country has different regulation regarding status of the children who were born from mixed married? Prepare to learn about that including what if the divorce happened in the future.
5. Brother, if this is not your first marriage, don't cheat, be honest even if that sister in different country and you keep her from your other wife in other country, this is not good attitude of a real Muslim man [even if you can find the dalil to support this silly actions]
I always wonder why the sister always talk about their fiance and husband so openly.. It seem whole the world know if a sister is married or engaged but It hardly to know if a brother already got marriage or not. Some sister usually will be happy to say.. I am married and have kids. They will happily tell about their kids and cute husband . but it hardly Moslem brother will say something that indicate he is not a free man anymore...

Is that because brother always wants to appear like a single man??
What for ?
wallahu alam.

6. Please have sufficient knowledge about everything that related to the sister that you are going to marry.
Take time to learn about her culture, about her language, about the costume, the food, the people, anything that belongs to her.At least you know where her country in the globe.
Please consider some of those points before make choice and decision. Please think before step doing something. If you do not prepare all of them carefully, thing will end so painfully.
In some cases, the family already agreed, both side love very much but they do not have money. This will turn like live in the dreaming land. The love keeps growing, but anytime you remember your disability to marry the one that you love, you will feel such grief...You will keep waiting each other. It hard to do the separation, life seem not go anywhere, Start to pray for all the miracles...waiting to the miracles....then time passing.. You do not realize you have been wasting your life for uncertain things.
Some brave enough to end everything; but this is also a hard and painful decision. Separation will hurt everyone...both of you and also the family members.
For my dear brothers who do not that ability. Please go away from sisters even if you love her dearly you should try restrain yourself.. Else you will get involve with her deeply. This will only create problem..
Don't play with fire.. Else you will get burn....Don't play with ladies' heart.. Remember Allah is just. If today you hurt one's heart.. Perhaps tomorrow someone else will hurt you or you will be the witness other hurt people that you love. Please be careful because the prayer of person who oppressed will be answered.
If you want to go, just go... NEVER come back. Don't play with sisters' heart, Don't use your fellow sisters as a place that you can "come by" anytime you need. And then you leave them with all those memories...You come when you remember, then you abandon them when you do not need them anymore... when you find something easier or when you can't bear the responsibility.
You can see how this behavior really torturing sister feelings.
Be firm, if you have decided to go...Go and never come back except you already prepare, grow more mature, responsible and ready to take a clear action to do the follow up, else go away never come back? please disappear from her life FOREVER....
Please be careful in sending messages to sisters online. You should fully aware what you are doing. Talk with sister half hour is enough to make you fall in love. It'd enough to make you blind. And later you will feel want to leave all things that you love. You will abandon your parents that have raised and loved you for years, for a single girl that you just for couple hours...You are weak, just sometimes your prides do not want to admit it.
There are many your fellow sisters who still very young and innocent. You may the first person who touches their innocent heart. They are still too innocent to understand if you just play around, if you just waste time. They will believe deathly if you are true and sincere. They will remember all your silly flowering, candies words to the rest of her life.. In fact you didn't mean it. It all just nothing. It's only a game for you.. it's only just a big nothing for you... Be careful.. you do not know the effect what you do to other .
When you decide use matrimonial site.. Make sure you really qualified and prepare for such intercultural marriage and really really serious to get married..If you are student or worker in one country and think to marry someone out of your culture...Please prepare all of them?Brother, the real self respect, self honor in a Moslem life is when they can responsible for all their actions. The self respect and dignity is nothing if that means you hurt people that you love and loved you ....

Whatever you do should have clear purpose, don't just do things for the sake of adventure or killing the time. If every man realize how big their responsibility, if they understand well for every act of hearing, or of seeing or of (feeling in) the heart will be enquired into (on the Day of Reckoning). [12] They will careful in every steps. They will be mindful whatever what they doing.
Please forgive me if I hurt anyone...May Allah subhana wata'la help and guide all of us.
May Allah always help and guide us to be a better responsible person.... Wallahu alam
bishshowabAstaghfiruka wa atubu ilaikaSubhanakallahumma wabihamdika ashadu ala ilaha illa anta astaghfiruka wa atubu ilaika
Bandung November 2005

Excerpt from my the response to seekingthepathtoJannah :

[7] cover the outside is an obligation, but it will only just mere a cover that mean nothing if the heart not follow it Qur'an An Nur 24:330-31, Qur'an Al Ahzab 33:59
[8] Qur'an An Nisa 4:29
[9] Qur'an An-Nisa 4:34
[10] Qur'an Al Hujurat 49:13
[11] HR Hakim
[12] Qur'an Al Isra' 17:36


Anonymous 6:47 PM  

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Anonymous 3:45 PM  

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Anonymous 7:53 PM  

I read through much of your post and it is spot on, having been in such a marriage myself.