Tuesday, May 02, 2006

~[I'tikaf 4] : What a Memory ~

There is one important thing in the I’tikaf to help us pass the I’tikaf peacefully. That is we have too keep safeguarding our eyes..

The masjid committees were very strict separated the hijab…. They care to give the comfort of sisters who stay inside the mosque during ‘iktikaf without any disturbance from opposite gender… Some sisters sleep in the mosque’s library, some sleep inside the mosque. No brothers were allowed come to sisters section even if their intention was just to talk to their wife… If they wanted to talk with their wife they had to meet somewhere else that far from sisters’ section. The masjid committee even made announcement if sisters found brothers came to sister section they had to send sms to the masjid committee, they would come immediately to drag those brother backs to their section…..

Even if the masjid committees had set the situation to prevent the mixed and the unnecessary meeting between the opposite gender, it still not enough to prevent anyone not met the opposite gender… because they were in the same place… But We should not take those chances to let the eyes wandering, although the chance there lures us to see the opposite gender…

We will never know where that eye will lead us …. It perhaps would lead to an unpleasant memory or would start unnecessary memory that will distract our concentration doing ibadah…..

There was a simple incidence in the last itikaf that made me flashback to an old story; I got the permission to share this story, hopefully this can help others.. inshaAllah…

That day, we had an afternoon lecture in the masjid. The masjid committee opened some part of long hijab that separated the opposite gender, so that the sisters also can see the syeikh who was giving the lecture.

After the syeikh ended the lecture, we looked for the iftar. Suddenly a sister run toward me, she seemed just seeing a ghost, but there was cloud in her eyes. She said

“Sister I saw him here… I saw him….”.
“ I saw him in the lecture, he sit in the front line..… “
“Yes !… but who?”
“He is *********”
“I see, then what if he is here?”….
“He must be coming with his wife…. “
“Then what if he coming with his wife?…….”

I just kid her. I understood what actually she meant. By the way.. it must be just an accident ;) To prevent this similar "accdient" , it better to keeps focusing to the syeikh during the lecture and don’t let the eyes google around…

This scene related to what have happened about more than one year ago; when she was studying for her graduate study. At that time she stayed in a rent house with some of other sisters in Islam.

The owner of that house is a “rich” lady who visited sometimes. She has a son. He helped with the house maintenances and collected the rent money when his mom was not in the city. He didn’t stay in that rent house but in another house close to his office.

That Lady loved that sister, she considered that sister like her own daughter. She asked her opinions about all things. She trusted her even to care the stuffs if she was not there. They used to go shopping and cook together.

Actually, she wanted that sister for her son. She is beautiful charming girl. When she smiles, her eyes; even her nose, cheek and chin smile; smile that come from the heart. She embraces other not only by her hands, but also with her soul. A girl that makes all the aunties wants her for their sons. She is a smart high educated girl, who are always learn to be better person.

At the beginning she didn’t feel anything about the offer, but the attention and the affection from that lady made her think about the offer. She thought, her son is a good person, he is a hanif person who practices the obligatory and some nawafil. She thought by bit encouragement and support he would grow to better person.

The pinky virus; “the virus of love” started infect both sides, it spread and grow significantly. He used to only come up if there were anything not works [like if there is leak on the roof, to change the bulbs or any other electricity and mechanical matters]. But “the virus” made him started come with unimportant reasons. The sister started to be tolerant with his unexpected visit.

The sisters in our religious gathering circle knew the “situation”. They asked her to search another rent house to prevent she meet him frequently. They arranged the mediator to take care the ta’aruf
[1] process, so that she doesn’t have to communicate directly with him. They asked that brother to visit her parents who stayed in another island, as soon as possible. [2]

Then, he and his parents arranged to meet her parents. Her parents were living in a “village”. It was quite far from the airport to reach there. I imagined, how a great high class people entered to a village, a lady with her fancy dress, the intense sun shining and the dust around…. sweltering walked through the small roads without pavement. Then they arrived in a simple house where everyone had been waiting them. I imagined half of villagers also gather in her house to welcome his family…

Her parents are simple people. They are a merchant. It seemed their parents from different class. His father works in a big government company. Nobody thought that would be a problem, we thought they loved her.. They who started whole marriage idea... We all think the date of marriage would set sooner after the family meeting.

It was surprised everybody that his parents didn’t want to continue the marriage to the next step. They didn’t do that intention so apparently; they said the marriage would be held after she completed her thesis. But, actually that was just a pretext to find stronger reasons to cut the engagement.

All wondered what happened?

Before visited, she told that brother all about her family situation. But he didn’t inform all to his parents. A fact that was not informed, it becomes the biggest reason of refusal…..

The reason is they [his parents] can’t accept her father condition. Her father has physical defect. They stunned when the first time saw him. He is short man with small legs. He was attacked by virus at his childhood time.

That lady, who few times back adored her, dares to humiliate and backbite about her. She told their maid about her father, she demonstrated how freak he walked. She wondered how such beautiful girl has father like him. Astaghfirullah…

Anytime I met her, her eyes looked swelling; she had spent all times crying. Even if she smiled I knew her heart bleeding. Her smiles couldn’t hide the pain on her eyes…. she tried to pretend as if nothing happened even if she was being humiliated like unworthy girl. She kept smiles even if she threat like dirty dust.

One day the lady called her to talk privately. She asked her to away from her son frankly. She said “You know his father hold significant position in the company. He has many “important” colleagues. What will people said if they see your father in the wedding day?”
Astaghfirullah…. Nobody want born as a defect person, .... This is a destiny…”

At those times, she was desperately hurt…. She felt incredible pain, the heart and mind tried to stronger but the bodies gave their own responses…The eyes didn’t stop crying… She hardly concentrated to anything;

She said: “Sister, never once in my life I ever considered my dad as a defect person. Since my childhood, all people around me never said anything about my dad.., so that I never considered him different. My Dad never showed us if his defect is a problem. He did all his activities normally; he works just like normal people…. This is the first time someone told me about his defect.. This is the first time someone told me if his defect is a problem.”

“Sister, all of these make me think about my mom. I adore and respect her more. My mom could accept him and loves him unconditionally. They couldn’t accept him in fact they shouldn’t stay with him everyday “

“Sister, I didn’t tell my parents yet if they cut the engagement. What if my parents ask me why they cut the engagement? I can’t tell them the truth. My parents must be very sad if they know the reason. I don’t want my Dad feel sorry about his defect?… I feel alone to face all these things because I can’t share with my parents…”

“If they refused me because of my flaws I can try to change something,…but if this is something to do with my father I can’t do anything.”

“His parents were very great sweet people… they go to mosque, they follow religious lecturers,.. I don’t know why they can change so much… sometimes I feel so hurt and feel betrayed… why people who asked you to like them, to love them, who adore you.. but then they turn become the one who tried to dump you.”

Don’t we feel too familiar with this scene? There are too many similar stories in our Moslem community. There are so called modern, educated people who keep adapting primitive thoughts…Thoughts that already been an absolute values, a custom that rooted too deep, too hard to throw away.

If only those stories could bring illumination into the heart of Moslem. In fact a primitive people [the real primitive ones] who never taste any formal educations, they changed their ways when they knew the old ways couldn’t benefit them… But, we keep falling to the same hole… we keep nurture the Jahiliyah thoughts.

Do our Moslem community less intellect than those primitive people? What does mean the years of education, the hours of prayers if they couldn’t open the heart …if they couldn’t broad our mind? Astaghfirullah wa atubu ilaika…

Is her father that bad? He is a defect man but he works for life his life, he feed his family with his own hands, he raises his children to be independence people. He is a villager man, a low educated man but he send his daughter to study, to be a high educated lady who finished her master in the best institute in the country and he supports her to pursue more to the highest level. He is a simple man who can raise a pious daughter who respects her parents….Is he that bad? Is he that low to be among “importance” colleague?

The lady made his son meet another girl. They got married very soon.

When she told me the news… she asked me with the tear on her eyes….: “Sister why someone who ever love us, could be so easy to forget us ?”…”Why so fast ?”


A difficult question… The one who were ever given a lot of hopes and loves but then being damp and forgotten, must know how it feels..

What else that expected? A good muslimah will not expect to see her brother in Islam cry like a babe to marry her… she cant expect he did stupid things, threat his parents by doing suicide, hunger strike or drink pesticide or jump from skyscraper building... She shouldn’t expect a happiness to remind on a man’s mind that makes her brother in Islam spend the rest of his life with the memory of her …. She shouldn’t expect he disobey his parents.

There is a stage where things would go wrong if we force more, that stage is the peak where we have to stop dream something…. A stage where she has to go away and pray to make him forget anything…

He and his family have right to choose… We do not have power to control what others’ choose… but somehow [sometimes] what they chose… that also becomes part of our destiny. ... When they didn’t choose that sister, she should accept it as part of her destiny … At lot of time in our life we had to be patience with others’ decision...

Alike when we are driving on the hectic road... we should drive carefully, but we cant prevent if careless driver hit us… when they have hit us, we should accept it if we have been hit, we should accept the fact if we have got injury not because of our mistakes, but because of the ignorance of others… ..
Analog to our life, a lot of time we should be patience, being injured; being hurt because of the stupidity of others…

This is the basic needed of human being who always wants all the perfection into his/her life…. The idealism thoughts most of time are just nice to be theories that only can be talked and discussed, but rarely being practice. When they have to make decision about their close people or for themselves, they forgot their idealism… all their want only the perfections…

A specialist Docter who know a sickness will never derivate to the offspring, he will advice other to accept the defect people in the community, but he himself will not think to give his own child to marry those people and even didn’t want their “respected” “important” “high class” colleagues see those defect people are in his family… This becomes so difficult to apply something for ourselves.

All we can do only try to understand. We can’t force them, we shouldn’t force them. They know best their limits, they have right to chose things that correspond to their limit… if they have less acceptance of others defect, we cant force them to raise their acceptance.. We don’t have right to make they live in miserable due spend their life with someone/something that they do not want. They have their own dream of their life..... We can’t destroy their perfect dream.

Deep down inside we are too shy …….perhaps we also just the same like them…asataghfirullah….. What if we are in their position, could we react better? La haula walla quwata illa billah.

But should our disability be the justification of our action?… Our disability to deal with imperfection is actually “the start point” of our failure… At least don’t make our preference [of perfection] cause the destruction of others life, especially if we the one who started the whole chapter. The least thing that we should do... be mindfull for whatever we do.. the wrong step could lead to the destruction of other life.. that we have to pay in the judgement day in front of Allah subhana wata'la....


All sisters help her to recover. Even a sister and her husband helped her financially to move from that house ….She almost drop out but with sincere support she could finish her thesis in injury times.

After some times, she met the lady. She tried to fix the situation [although she the one who being hurt]. She came to his wedding to congratulate everyone…

The strong people is not the one who win the battle.. but them who can restrain from angry.. The one who can forgive when actually they have right to angry

Allah always save His devote slave with His own ways….Sometimes it feel hurt at first… but it at time we realize the wisdom behind them… we feel so grateful… sometimes we pray for something not good…. We dream something that actually will be not good for our life…. We seem detact Allah to make all what we want come true… wish to the miracle… astaghfirullah

I thought anything about him will never annoy her anymore… but what happened in the itikaf said that memory still with her, still affect her in any way… Anyway… after sometimes.. she found out.. it was not him…. :)

Wallahu alam bishshowab…

Subhanakallahumma wabihmadika ashadu ala ilaha illa anta astaghfiruka wa atubu ilaika
Fi aman Allah

[1] Process to get know each other
[2] This is dishonor if a Moslem man come to the girl directly [in intention of marriage] without the permission from her wali. Any marriage promise that are not conveyed through the wali is considered invalid. It’s not considered engagement… even Syeikh Yusuf Qardhawi consider it as “batil” *. This because Islam protect the honor of woman.
* fatwa fatwa cotemporer by Yusuf Qardhawi
[3] Narrated AbuHurayrah: Allah's Apostle (peace_be_upon_him) said: The strong man is not one who wrestles well but the strong man is one who controls himself when he is in a fit of rage. Sahih Muslim: Book 31, Number 6313.
Previously :
[I'tikaf 1]: ~The Battle with the System or The Battle with the Nafs~ http://rnuraini.blogspot.com/2006/02/itikaf-1-battle-with-system-or-battle.html
[I'tikaf 2]: ~The Biggest Perpetual Enemy~


Anonymous 1:30 PM  

its sooo sad tht ppl care for their own pride and dignity.... may Allah reward tht sis for her patience.....ameeen

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