My dearest husband Ahmad….
I am sorry to make you worry for my silent in these days…. I know my silent make you worry and wondering what happening with me… Please don’t worry dear…. I just need time to think…..
After thinking in these few days I now completely understand why you keep your relationship with some sisters after our marriage. You must have bored that I hint you to discuss about this topic for some times…
I understand now, your relationship with these sisters mean nothing. Just like you have told me so many times that they are nothing, I am the only one in your heart and I don’t need to feel jealousy. Your love to me just can’t compare to them…. Your relationship with them is just merely as brother and sister. I shouldn’t suspect anything bad. They keep in touch with you just for your advice and assistance because you are their learned and wise brother in Islam. You are their good wise, hardly to lost a good advisor like you….
Well, you know very much that I trust you and never think bad about whatever your do.
Dear….I completely understands now why you still keep your ex-fiancé name in your buddy list and why you keep answer or email her sometimes. I know my pious husband must only just try to keep the silaturrahim and maintain a good relationship with his sister in Islam and her family….
MashaAllah she really has very beautiful unique name, it’s silly I felt jealousy when you gave her name for your little sister. I feel stupid why I just realize although I have seen her name so many times on your mailbox and on your messenger list.
However she is learned muslimah…mashaAllah… she has some links with respectable sheikh from outstanding institution. She must have so many literatures to share, a very smart sister who have huge knowledge….That must give so many advantage to keep maintain relationship with her just in case you need her help in future….She must be very good buddy to discus and help you to solve some difficult Islamic fiqih matter…..
By the way…. I also understand why you told me many times that you loved her truly. However she was almost being your wife. I should understand that must be truly difficult to forget. Well we hardly to forget good people, especially that person ever been part of our life.
I shouldn’t complain anything…..the otherwise I should be very grateful my husband trust me and share me his deepest feelings. I understand dear…it’s so difficult when we really love someone but then things go to other direction…. It’s qadarullah honey…….
It makes me think… I am very bad muslimah, a very bad sister in Islam. I have hurt so many brothers. I have been refusing so many brothers who try to make relationship with me. You know dear… they are actually very sincere brothers…. Most of them were very nice; they interest to study about Islam more mashaAllah. I even said to my male friends that I would never talk with them anymore, especially through messenger.
Some of them were very sad …. They said I am their good advisor, they begged me to keep talk to them just purely as brother and sister in Islam and having innocent talk now and then…. Some of them so much adore me…. Please don’t mistaken dear, they just adore of my good quality as friends, as sister….
I think now.... I have to contact each of them … and welcome them again…. I know you will not think bad, you know me.. and you trust me I must just talk with them for the sake of brotherhood and dakwah… Well we trust each other so much… right honey?
I can only talk with them when you are working outside…. So that I still can give my fully attention for you when you are at home, I will not talk with them when you at home. You sometimes work so hard and spend a lot of time outside dear…. So I guess I have to do something benefit to fill my time, to do da’wah for these brothers while waiting you back home from work...….
Anyway dear…. … we only talk in messenger.. They can’t see my face…. I knew one brother, he was so witty. He used to throw some jokes… Actually I enjoy talking with him [just as friend honey], previously we only just friend and I will assure you it will remain like that…Please don’t worry honey… He can’t see if I smiles sweetly for him, he only just see bold yellow smiley icon on messenger… I swear that you the only one who can see my sweet smiles….
By the way dear… Do you remember about my ex- fiancé? You do love his name, right? You even remember his name completely …. Isn’t it a very good idea if I am going to give my ex fiancé name for our baby… mashaAllah ..
InshaAllah we are going to have baby boy after one month but we still haven’t found good name for him….God bless me… why this brilliant idea just come up now……How could I didn’t realize he has very good name. I just made some research on Google…. It has very beautiful meaning dear…. You must love it dear..…
I can imagine we call our baby with his name everyday….. That will make me remember him at anytime I see my son…Well it’s not something wrong to keep remembering good people…right dear? Please don’t bother about it… you do know very well that you the only one in my heart……
Right now… I am crying to think how cruel I am… Maybe this is the biggest mistake cut all my communiqué with him… You know how cruel I am.. I never answered his calls…I never replied his text messages……I ignored all his emails….I even stopped to talk with anyone who related to him……How could I do that….. He is not bad man actually, he is a hafidz, and he used to study in Islamic university. Astaghfirullah I don’t know why I could be that cruel….
I think he just wants to keep friendship with me as brother and sister in Islam…It absolutely nothing wrong to keep maintain the brotherhood even if the engagement was called off…..
Anyway… I will apologize to him for my childish behavior …. Actually I never hate my brother in Islam… but I thought it what I should do as muslimah to guard the ghirah of my future husband…. Well I understand now… it not actually like that… it doesn’t matter anymore as our marriage based on so much trust and understanding….
It sounds very good idea if I keep following his life now... Silly me.. I even don’t know anything about him now…I don’t know if he married or not, happy or not…. I don’t know if his parents still remember me, what they think about me now……. Strange I don’t know about him in fact we ever almost married before….He and his family must miss to hear about me a lot…. Maybe I have to call them sometimes…. Mmmm maybe at least I should call them on EID day….
You know dear I just realize how important we have link with learn people…. He also has many connections with some religious people, he knows some sheikh personally [well he was an Islamic student]…. You know how much I thirst of knowledge and want always learn a lot. I can ask him some questions when you are so busy to answer my questions… He will be so much helpfull.
He also from high status family, with so many respectable colleagues, and well known politician family, must know many famous people too… Even I read in newspaper his uncle just won the election….mashaAllah Isn’t that great dear?……He maybe can help us much in the future… Well we don’t know what kind help that we need… So for now I have to keep sweet when talk with him [of course strictly in the Islamic manner] . I will show my regret how I have ignored him this long….
Better I am in hurry now to reconciling with all these broken relationships…..
Thanks dear for make me think and help me to get back my awareness…. …….
Don’t worry dear… I will make you know all of them…well you let me know all your females friends… I also will do the same… We do understanding and trust each other so much…
Take care honey ….
With much of love
I am just kidding honey…
I am just trying to put you in my shoes….so you can feel what I feel clearly
Can you understand my feeling now dear?
To be Continue InshaAllah .......
Batam 7 May 2007